Do you ever read things that are dripping of inspiration? Whether it's that kick in the rear to get you to lose weight, tackle a project you never dreamed you could do, or to just REALLY appreciate life? I read one of those, here. This Blog is full of beautiful writing, breath taking pictures, and a story that makes you want to grab life by the horns and thank if for all of the bucks and kicks along the way.

Reading through Kelle's emotions of finding out that her daughter has downs syndrome really gave my heart a stirring that I can't quite explain. I've read numerous stories of families who have joyously welcomed that extra chromosome into their lives whether by choice or not (adoption/a surprise from God). I've seen their amazing struggles and happy smiles that make you feel all warm like apple pie. But, I have never read such a raw and captivating story as the one shared there. Kelle really lets you into her heart and what was going on in her heart and then you're crying along with her as she is finally able to see what a blessing she has in her life and how she could finally celebrate with her friends and family that were surrounding her with toast and cheers and prayers.

Seeing Kelle's daughter Nella celebrated in that way, seeing how the plans were already in place before they knew and how things just got so much sweeter once they knew, it just brings tears to your eyes.

Read her story, savor her story, then live your story!

so i share, a lot

Not like I'm a good kid in the sandbox type sharing, no... like as in I use a pillow to separate my boobs, have IBS, and enjoy teen dramas kind of sharing. I  mean come on, this isn't headline news, I DO have a blog....My husband doesn't get it. He's a very private person, and that's cool, only i'm not, i've never been. Honestly, I don't know how. I have my Dad in me, I'm a sharer. He always has been and I think I might always be. I also notice it tends to be a southern trait, we LOVE to share everything and anything with anyone who wants to pull up a chair and listen. Remember Steele Magnolia's? "If you have something bad to say, come and sit by me"... or if you have ANYTHING to say... it's a problem.

It's my way of relating to people. I feel like you'll understand and like me more if you know I poop just like you! Normally it works for me, not so much for him.

How do you change who you are, who you've always been so that the person  you love more than anything else in the world isn't hurt?

I don't have an answer, do you?

Brace Yourselves!

There's about to be a WHOLE lot of pictures and as a result a WHOLE lot of sexy!

So Northern Cowboy and I took a weekend to get away! It was just he and I. The babes was tucked safely at home with the Grandma and I knew she couldn't be happier with the situation. So where did my boyfriend and I go?? RICHMOND! I know in many minds that was a womp womp... but NO it's really and ZARUMMMM!

See for Christmas I got Cowboy the Nascar Experience... easily affordable thanks to Groupon. So we made a MUCH NEEDED romantic weekend of it!

Here's how it all went down.
Drove to Richmond and checked into the Hilton Friday Night.
Woke up nice and early on Saturday for his "Experience".

Here's where we're driving through the tunnel, hubs mentioned that I should get a picture because not many ever get this opportunity! Oh that just turned on Paparazzi mode... I'm sure the hubs regretted this!

Coming through the tunnel!

IN THE SPEEDWAY!

Please go this way Mr. Race car Driver!

Me: Quick Hon, turn for a pic.

NC: Woman, You don't need to get a picture of EVERYTHING

Me: oh but i DO!

This is his "oh dear lord, she is getting a picture of everything face" while secretly LOVING that I am!

I wanted to ride too but they said there wasn't any room, booo

Oh here comes the S.E.X.Y!

See he does claim me!

Having his "crew chief" make sure everything is okay.

Sliding in

Going over the race! Swooon~

Time for the wheel and helmet... DANG that's a good looking man... you're welcome for sharing!

There goes my Bad Ass! Well I guess it's HIS Bad Ass but I own it now, the ring on my finger says I do!

"Thanks man, Good run, Now i need to go and talk to the press"

Here's a video for your viewing pleasure!

After all of that excitement we went back to the hotel for a dip in the pool, then out to explore Richmond. We stumbled upon a few fantastic stores (that were Monogram overloads, LOVE!) and a Plantation, then it was back for a nap and an AMAZING BALLS dinner... Seriously go to Tarrrants (sp?) AMAZING!

The next day we slept in, stopped to do a little outlet shopping and then we went home to have ice cream with the cutest little girl in the world!

I think my ass has left the building

I mean that's the only thing I can come up with for the pain radiating from my hind end. It must have been cut off and the gaping wound is in pain, right?

No, no it's still there, in all of its giggly dimply mass... but it DOES hurt. Why? Because I’m a masacist and have decided to do a 30 day boot camp before I go to the beach in 30 days. I have two a days and I start sweat from minute 3 (the first 6 minutes are "warm up"). By the time I hit minute 10 or so I’m sweating so bad when I get on all fours I decide to make a game of seeing how far I can blow the sweat as it drips off my nose. Hey it entertains me!

Last night as I’m huffing it through mountain climbers I freak my dog out and make her think someone is knocking at the door, OBVIOUSLY I’m not going to be getting a request anytime too soon to be a spy since I am not a stealth climber, imagine an elephant jumping back and forth with its ass in the air... that's me. So as the dog starts barking at me the Cowboy wants to know what the heck I’m doing... HOPEFULLY WORKING MY ASS OFF I say... he shrugs and goes back to one of his survival shows. 

So I will be putting myself through this torture for 29 more days... hopefully I will lose my ass in the end and be gifted with a new one!

Or at least a smaller belly... having a toddler lift your shirt to poke at your jiggly belly with squeals of delight does not do the self esteem good.

Here's K... more details on the Zoo to follow!

I don't wanna be fat.... but i'm a donut kid....

I don't wanna be fat, but i'm a donut kid. There's a million flavors of ice cream, with sprinkles and fudge. From vanilla to chocolate to rocky roads, there's a million flavors to eat. I don't wanna be fat, But baby I am, it's true I'm a donut kid. (sung loosely to the Toys R us theme song).

I've been working really hard (for me) lately. Has my eating been as good as it could be? No... BUT i have been doing better and I've been working out pretty hard. 5-7 days a week? No but 3-4! And when i'm in there i am SWEATING! It's not a leisurely stroll on the treadmill, it's the elliptical at a speed of 8 with sprints up to 13 (i even hit 16) for 30 secs. I do upper and lower body weights where I always lift an amount that makes it so by the last set i have to lower the weight. And i do abs, abs that make it hard to laugh some days... so I WORK IT!

And i've been proud of myself. Many days my clothes DO look better, AND my legs are looking much better too... way more toned. But the scale is NOT moving. It'll go down for a bit, but then up it goes again. So i told myself that i must have lost inches... so i decided to check. no... NO!

I've gained. Yes I lost 2 inches in my boobs.... my waist? up my thighs that are looking better? up my upper arms? up.

I mean what the hell! I just want to give up. I really do. There are all of these skinny bitches (okay they aren't bitches, they are actually VERY nice, I'm actually kinda pissed that their outsides match how beautiful their insides are...) in my neighborhood that have had kids and look amazing and I WANT TO BE THEM!

I am TIRED of looking at photos and trying to figure out a way to crop them to make me look skinnier. I'm tired of faking a smile when I really want to cry. I'm tired of not wanting to be in a swimsuit because i'm embarrassed by my weight. I'm tired of spending money to make myself feel better.

All i can think is that it's the eating... but i have NO NONE ZERO accountability with myself and my dear darlin Northern Cowboy is NOT helpful since he's pretty lean and mean without any stress about it.

Anyone have an idea?

When is it okay to give up?

Some days I just stare at my workout clothes like evil playground kids taunting me. Okay, MOST days I look at them and think that. I'm just so over trying! I'm over the fact that I cannot eat burgers and fries without feeling guilty. I'm over the fact that I can't have a big bowl of frosted flakes for breakfast without knowing it's going to make friends with the fat above my knees. I'm over the fact that when my husband wants to have a beer I automatically think about what I ate that day and what is did to workout and will it fit into my weightloss plan.

I JUST WANT A FLIPPING BEER WITH MY BURGER AND SPICY FRIES!

And please don't email me saying, well you can have that burger without cheese or mayo, OR have fat free Mayo! AND LOAD it up with veggies!

Because you know what I want? I want a 1/3lb burger from Fuddruckers with swiss cheese, grilled onions and mushrooms. I want to layer it with mayo, ketchup, and honey mustard. The only veggies i want near it are lettus and pickles (I don't think that's even a veggie). That's what I want and i don't want to be told I can have that but only once a month and after I've ran 10 miles.

Why is it so hard to lose weight and WHEN can I give up? When can I be happy in a size 10/12 body? When can I look at another woman who is so much smaller then me and enjoys working out and not be envious?

I DO NOT like to workout. I'll talk to fitness buffs and they'll ask me what do i like to do as a workout.
1. I wouldn't look like THIS if there was some form of fitness i really liked
2. Does lifting a glass of wine to my lips count?

So when is it okay to give up?

I have a secret

I have a boyfriend and boy is he HOT!

See him? He's that one in the middle wearing big bird. I tell you, NO ONE can pull off big bird sexier then him! A man wearing big bird for his daughter's first birthday... sexy!

Check him out here, holding the little 4month old butter bean. Swoon

This one made my uterus start jumpin, oh i want to see that again! SOON!

This is one of my favorites. This is him watching me walk down the isle. God I love him!

Best Daddy and Husband... I mean boyfriend~

He really takes care of us!

So I know you're wondering when did he become my boyfriend instead of my husband.... but see you have it backwards. He's Always been my boyfriend, now he is ALSO my husband. Remember that float yourself across the ocean high you used to get when you would first start dating someone? Yeah that's why he's my boyfriend. Because when i see him playing with Kinsley or cleaning up the kitchen or helping out a neighbor... I beam with pride because he is MINE. I get all giggly because HE chose ME! Despite all the reasons he shouldn't have, he did. And I want him to ALWAYS be my boyfriend because I always want to look at him the way I did when he was JUST my boyfriend. Because even though he has many hats now, husband, father, provider.... he is still a sexy husband!

New 30 day challenge!

Okay, so NOT like this past one. i will have an assignment EVERY day, but it's not something i have to DO every day... it's something i have to NOT do.

Lately I've spent a bit of money. See i needed clothes for work. Last years spring clothes didn't fit and the year before that REALLY didn't fit, or before that. These past springs/summers i've gone from a size 6-8, to pregnant, to post baby body, to me now... getting leaner but still in size 10 to 12. Not a size i enjoy being in, BUT it's my reality. Not to mention that my boobs are changing size monthly i feel like.

Plus I'm in a new job where i can't get away with wearing jersery sun-dresses and flipflops to work each day. So I needed clothes. I needed dresses, skirts, tops, and a few (but not too many because I can convert most winter office pants to summer office pants) pants. Oh and shoes because since i can't wear flipflops and i can't wear heels that are to small for my post pregnancy (because they grew almost 1/2 a size) cloppers.

I would look around and some things were okay and others were not. Some would be great for the office, but i really couldn't make it work for the weekend (and i need it to work for both so i don't have to buy double). So i went to ebay. A curse and a savior.

I would set my settings to my size, my designers, and my price range and away I would go! I got some GREAT stuff! Like a Lilly Pulitzer top, normally around $158... i paid $35! Or how about a $119 dress for $39.99! (tags still on everything!). OR an Ann Taylor Linen skirt for $13!!! I mean I got REALLY great pieces for REALLY great prices! The dresses i can wear to work with a cami and/or light sweater! The skirts i can wear to church and some on the weekends. The tops/blazers can be ready for slacks or jeans! It's a win win.

But the reality is when you're done buying, you still bought. Whether you needed it or not, you still spent.

Even though I bought two bras from Target for $10 each (rather than $50 Victoria's Secret bras), I still spent $20.

So I'm going on a spending fast! A thirty day spending fast!

Here's the way it's going to work/ here are the rules

1. I will not buy (or commit to buy.... still have a few things pending) anything for myself or Kinsley
2. The following are the only THINGS i can buy and only if we need it, not if it's just a great deal.

• diapers/wipes/etc
• shampoo/razor/tampons, etc
• a swimsuit (if i find one that is super awesome and makes me look skinny and i s super cheap and chris agrees) because i need one before June 25th like WOAH!

3. I can grocery shop but i must stick to the list and i must eat out the pantry/freezer
4. I can buy gas

That's it! To many you're thinking, um Erin this is NOT a fast... but to those who know me and my love affair for target, etc... it IS... OH it IS.

See when I’m out and about i have whole conversations with myself about items. Like yesterday, I got Kinsley two new sippy cups. Here's the conversation.

It all began by being in the isle getting her forks (which she did need)

I wonder if there are any Elmo cups.... K LOVES Elmo now. Hmm no, but she does NEED some new cups that don't look like bottles and are more "big girl" and don't spring a leak when she throws them across the room.
I really want to get her this no spout one but $4.74 for one cup seems like a lot. I wonder if she would like these cups... she kept trying to take Jackson's cup that is just like this one the other day. I think it would do and I don't think it would spill as much as her other cups with the soft heads. By getting this I'm really saving cleaning time AND i'm getting two cups for $7.64 which makes them $3.82, that's a better deal than $4.74. Almost a whole dollar a cup! Plus they are cute so I know she'll love them. I can just throw out a few of those cups that aren't our favorites and spill all the time.
Yeah we'll get this set, perfect!

Uh huh, that's all for a SIPPY CUP people! I do this with EVERYTHING! Because the hubs this is what he does.

Sees a new sippy cup. Hears: a;woeirthr4yhw[ejweo;dhj (that's the sound of all of them falling out of the cabinet) $$$$$$ (that's the sound of the last 4-5 sippy cups I bought adding up in his head) zldrj09wejl;sefjo ________________ (that's the sound of K throwing the new sippy cup and it not spilling and him not caring).

So I'm on a freeze. Not just that, I'm going to track and try to spend 2/3 of what i normally do at the g-store.

Who's in it with me?

Have I mentioned that K needs bigger PJ's.... No She really needs them! Because....

Day 5: A song that means a lot to you (and other stuff)

I wish i could say that i have one song that just "does it" for me, but i don't. There are meaningful songs in my life: "When I Say I Do" was my first dance at my wedding. "California Girls" is the song my daddy would always put in the tape player on the way to the doctor when i wasn't feel good to lift my spirits. "You are my Sunshine" reminds me of my brother and momma. "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "ABCs" will always be dear to my heart for my daughter.

But that ONE song that means a lot to me? There just isn't ONE. One that describes what i hope to be? That's different, i'm not sure what exactly that would be... but it would be about a good mother, a good wife, and a christian example for my daughter.

Have you ever had one of those eye opening experiences that is like a huge slap in the face? Well i got slapped, HARD by God this weekend. Through events of the weekend, my devotional that i started doing, and looking at my daughters face... i had quite the eye opener. I'm not going to talk about it on here because there's too many people that are close to my family that read this blog. If it were all perfect strangers i would share away (i can take strangers judgement, just not family/friend disappointment). I might share on here eventually, once i've figured it out and am peace... but i think God has a lot more slapping to do with me before i'm at peace. So if you're the praying type (and MAN i hope you are) keep praying because i'm stubborn but i can feel i need to release this to him, it's just REALLY hard.

thanks guys~

So here's where I'M at...

My work (well 4 of us) is doing Biggest Loser! We started January 10th! We will end it on May 31. Right now it is April 5th...

Now I have lost some, gained it back lost some.... gained it back... but lately, like 3 weeks lately, i've been losing! I'm even 5lbs under my starting weight! YEA!

I'm pretty happy about that and can't wait to accomplish more!

Here's me now... you know since i got this big dramatic hair cut (i got bangs).

 Face is thinner. Waist curvier. Thighs less friendly with each other (although still closer friends than i think they should be!)!

We're getting there kids! Just 82 more days until VACATION!

Do you have a wall that you've hit?

I do. I hit one hard this past weekend. What made me hit it? This photo:

That's me, next to two very skinny girls. I was already feeling very insecure before we met up with them. I knew they were smaller then me, i even made chris stop at target to get me a different top to wear, note to self, NEVER WEAR WHITE AGAIN!
I saw this picture and it made me want to cry, and if i wasn't so disgusted with myself I would have. I'm practally the size of both of those girls put together. W.T.F. The worse part of it all?? This photo is on Facebook. EVERYONE can see it. Now, no, i don't always look THAT fat, but I do there. THAT is not okay.

I can't look like that anymore. I can't look like that at the beach. I can't look like that and love myself.

THAT is not who i want to me. THAT is not who i used to be.

I'm on the South Beach diet now. Done.

pretty flippin lucky

I have an incredible husband. He works super hard for the babs and I. Yesterday, i was done. I was tired, Kinsley had an ear infection. I was achy... just done. Know what my dear man did? Let me cuddle all over him for comfort while he rubbed my back.

Today Kinsley wasn't having a good morning at school because of the previously mention ear ache (shocking, i know)... know what hubs did? Picked her up from school for me and took her home to rest while i finish a very trying day at work.

Right now my world is all over the place. We risk going on a mandatory furlough (UNPAID PEOPLE) because congress can't get the stick out of their butts long enough to realize they might need to agree on SOMETHING so we can pay daycare, that will still send us the bill whether i have a job or not so that Kinsley won't loose her place there. But i have a husband that gives me sweet hugs, cleans my kitchen while i relax in the bath, and is genuinely happy to see ME at the end of the day.

Yep, i'm a lucky lady.

Dang he's sexy~

Skinny Bitch

Yeah i bought the book Skinny Bitch; thought this would be a GREAT, tell me like it is book to get me back in shape and eating better. Um no. It's a great book for someone who is a vegan to spout off at the mouth about how we're not supposed to be carnivores because we don't chase down our "kill" and tear them to shreds with our bare hands like lions. Hmmmm, does anyone see a problem with that?

Now, I get organic, I would like to have more in our lives be organic. I like the idea of free range chickens, and purely grass fed cows. I like the idea of pesticide free veggies and hormone free milk. But stay away from cheese because it's not "natural" to eat what other animals produce (yes i know we make the cheese, but we use animals byproducts to do it, point is...)? hmmm, I just couldn't groove with that train of thought.

I mean, HELLO, y'all were all around for THE pregnancy. THE meat killing, i probably would have ran down a cow and killed it with my bear hands teen wolf style if i wouldn't have been able to stop at my local store and get a decent burger, pregnancy. I really want to be more in control of what goes into my family's mouths, but no meat or animal byproducts? no. quite simply, no.

So I'm returning the book, because i strongly believe that if I don't read the whole thing because it's not helpful to me and it doesn't look read then I should be allowed to return it. So I will... also because my Northern Cowboy wanted to know where I got the money to buy the book since my $20 was already spent this week... hmm good point, eh no biggy, i didn't like the book anyway.

My co-worker (after hearing my meat loving woes) has allowed me to borrow the book The Skinny: How to fit into your little black dress forever. I'll let you know how this one goes... as long as it leaves my delicious Bambi's momma alone (meaning, alone for me to eat, wha ha ha!) then i think we'll be okay.

I'm going to go and gnaw on some jerky now... kidding, it's 9am, i'm going to eat oatmeal... jerky is OBVIOUSLY lunch stuff!

do you burn calories when your boobs bounce?

So i worked out today! WOOT! I get a woot because i TOTALLY did NOT want to and my workout buddy was MIA so i had a GREAT reason not to, but i did! Tomorrow, not sure how that's going to go since it's supposed to sleet all day... guess i could get to know my wii fit again? boo....

So while i was breakin a sweat on the elliptical, while jamin hardcore to "baby got back" a thought crossed my mind while Sir Mixalot was talking about Kickin Curves as my "curves" were practically slapping me in the face, despite the two sports bras i was wearing... the thought was "I wondering if all of this boob bouncing is burning more calories then the girl with non-bouncing boobs (aka itty bitty titty club... not tie them in a knot club). I did a quick google search (that should look great on my government computer) and didn't find any answers. Makes you wonder though!

So I'm boycotting Weight Watchers right now because counting all of those points (or rather figuring out the points TO calculate, because honestly i can add 3 plus 10 but i have to figure out that it's 10 and well... i just don't want to anymore!). I also have a few friends (i know, shocking, stop the presses, i have friends), one is my accountability person (b/c she rocks and has lost a lot of weight and kept it off and looks awesome), another is my supporter (b/c she's awesome and always makes me feel better and awesome when i do something right) and then another is an encourager (because she's at work and needs to workout too). So hopefully with my team (God I'm sounding like Oprah, takes a team to help me lose weight!) I'll get there. Goal day? May 30th, beginning of swimsuit season... then hopefully I'll wreck all of my hard work by getting pregnant in July... but hey that's a full month of hotness, two really if you count that i won't know I'm pregnant until august and 4-5 if you count the fact that i shouldn't gain any weight in the 1st tri! see? totally worth it team!

side note: This morning at daycare, while i was pulling out all of Kinsley's things, she walked over to me with hands in the air. So i knelt down and she gave me a big hug and then turned around and walked to the other room to play! WHAT!?!?! My little girl is to little to be giving me "goodbye hugs"... i guess this is what they mean by teaching your child independence. UH!

here's some vintage K for y'all... oh my uterus!

Wow, things are changing!

Things are changing so fast in our lives right now and I'm finding it hard to keep up! For one, Chris is with a new job. While I LOVE his new job, the opportunities it's giving him, and the people he works with... (i know you feel the BUT) it's brought us back to an old familiar place again. He's working and I'm doing EVERYTHING. I wouldn't be AS pissed about this if he would be out of the house before I came downstairs. See here's the situation...
Man gets up AFTER me.
After I get myself ready I get Kinsley ready
I get our stuff ready
since I'm downstairs first (getting our stuff ready) i also have to get the dogs fed, etc
and the coffee made (since i always forget to do it the night before)
then 9 times out of 10, I take Kinsley to daycare and go to work.
At work I workout on my lunch, since I know it's not going to happen at home.
I pick K up from Daycare
Battle the dogs to get into the house
Feed dogs (give K a snack too) and let them potty
Try to comfort a pissed off toddler that keeps getting 1. Knocked over by dogs or 2. snack taken by dogs
try to have dinner ready before meltdowns ensue.
Feed her, give her a bath, brush teeth, rock and into bed.
Then it (should be but often isn't) is time to clean up, check emails,
work on my new Thirty-One Business (which i just closed out my first party and made $150! WOOT)
Oh yea, Hubs is home... so pay attention to him (get off the phone and computer and turn off DVR)... be happy and interested in his job and day so he doesn't dread coming home from work... try to be sympathetic to his 2 hour commute even though I get NO sympathy for doing EVERYTHING ALONE!...
Go to bed

So see in MY head if he would leave by 6am (rather then 630) like he USED TO... then he could start the coffee, deal with the dogs, get to work by 8ish. leave work by 430ish. be home by 6ish for dinner and then help with the bedtime/cleanup routine and we would all live happily ever after while he gets on his iPhone to keep checking email and I work on Thirty-One.

Yet instead the original schedule continues and he wonders why I'm a cranky, pissy wife....

Anyway, another thing changing? KINSLEY! OMG why didn't anyone tell me that babies grow up?!?!? I thought she was going to be my cute little bundle forever!

 She so grown up now. She INSISTS on having her food with HER to feed HERSELF. She gets mad if i break her cereal bars into pieces... she likes to take bites off of it. She marches/stomps/etc. She shows you her pretty clothes. She says "shhhhhhu" which means shoes. She hugs around the neck know, wrapping her tiny hands around my neck and holding on for dear life and melting my heart. She likes you to chase her. She tells the dogs "BA, BA" when we get get home ("back" for those who don't speak toddler). She likes to point out your nose because she thinks it's a horn~

She's so big! God i love her!

I'm the fat friend...

So growing up i was always super skinny. I mean i thought i was heavy when size 4s were falling off of me. I mean not like i thought "wow I'm fat" but THAT WAS heavy for me. I was always just super skinny. This seems like a dream to most but when all of your friends hate you or pick on you for it then it's not a dream. You feel bad that you're making your friends feel bad, so you feel like you have to prove to them that you're not super skinny by choice, but genetics, so they won't be mad at you.
So i ate, A LOT. I would eat every and anything. This way they would see me eating and know that i wasn't TRYING to be skinny, i just was. Don't get me wrong i LOVED being skinny, i rarely had to try on clothes because i KNEW they would look great on me. You got lots of attention from guys. And you just felt good about yourself. That was ONE thing that you didn't have to think about it.
That is until your metabolism stops. This happened for me around 21. It just stopped and well, it's really hard to go from eating burgers, fries, chicken nuggets, in as big of a serving as i want, to watching what i eat and trying to make good choices even though that burger and beer is SCREAMING at me to eat it and all of it's little friends!

As a result... I'm now the fat friend. I mean don't get me wrong, they aren't having to bring me seat belt extenders at the airport, but I'm not someone to be envied anymore. I was looking around my friends kitchen last night at the two other Mom's in my play group and realized I was the chubby one... and what does that make me want to do? No, not diet and run, but eat and drink more.

I KNOW how to loose weight, but the motivation to keep me going for any amount of time over 3 days escapes me. I dream about being skinny again, or at least comfortable with my size, but when you have a husband who works crazy hours, a baby and dogs that need attention, and no one to hold you accountable, it just doesn't last. I allow life to get in the way and i don't know how to stop it.

I've tried different diets, just trying to be healthy, signing up for 1/2marathons to motivate me... and the end result? Money down the drain because i never follow through with it.

Ya'll I don't want to be the fat friend anymore, i don't want to project this insecurity onto my daughter as she gets older. I don't want to have to wear a cami under every shirt i own because it helps to smooth out the rolls cascading from my belly.

I want to turn my life around, i have the motivation I think to do it, but honestly, i REALLY need the accountability too... like IN YOUR FACE accountable. I tried to start a biggest looser competition with some friends, yeah i only had 2 takers. Maybe if i opened it up on here? would there be any takers? I could open a paypal account for it, $10 a pop, have a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place looser?

Let me know if that's something ya'll would want to do OR if you have anything else that would help me... I don't want to be the fat friend!

THIS is happiness

To my husband these pictures represent a mess. They represent things that we need to clean up and get done before we can relax. To me, though, these pictures represent happiness. These are proof that we have an amazing, happy and loved daughter. These pictures show that she lives here and that we are a family. It shows that she's on the move, since the toys are EVERYWHERE, and it shows that we have more important things to do then run around after her picking up every toy that she's just going to take right back out.

This toy below... one of her favorites. It goes to this other toy but she likes JUST this piece because she can shake it in her hand and it makes a noise as its head goes up and down. She LOVES its.
This is also very entertaining... anything that makes noise makes her happy!
Part of her new Little Peoples car, great for eating!
Random book that she likes to taste and take with her as she tries to escape the dogs.
The toy corner, notice EVERYTHING makes noise, including the baby doll.

This is love. No not the amount or type of toys she has (even though i do get most from the consignment shop or totswaps!)... the fact that she knows her space, is learning t get around and that she has made this house a home. A lived in home!

Friday, thank the lord!

As a Mom and a woman i think everyone, including ourselves takes us for granted. I posted before about when Kinsley was about six months old I went through a small break down. I'm still not sure if i would classify it as postpartum or mental/physical/emotional breakdown. But I crashed. Lately it's coming back. But i see it coming this time. I feel like i'm SCREAMING out for help, but maybe i'm not making any sense and just come out as bitchy. There are so many factors in my life that are constantly changing and growing, and i'm so happy for them, but it's a lot to handle sometimes. On top of the normal i "enjoy" adding the abnormal too, because I'm never happy unless i'm planning something and then i stress myself out about planning said something.
I have all of these friends who have crazy busy lives and "do it all" WITH a smile and so i try to keep up. I plan our days, even when we don't have a day to plan. We are "scheduled" almost every day for the rest of the year. YET i still want to put more on our plates. I have stepped back from a few things in my life to make some breathing room, but i don't know if it's enough.

How can you step back from the things that make you the craziest, yet give you the most joy?

Last night we had our playgroup over to our house. This meant that I had to make dinner (easy peasy, crock-pot pulled pork, no stress!), have my house (yes the house with the two dogs who insist on shedding EVERYWHERE) clean, my child semi happy, and myself home from work. I LOVE LOVE LOVE our play group. Just the thought of getting to hang out with theses awesome Moms and their kids makes me giddy to my toes. But here's ANOTHER ball for me to juggle.

So the night before while i'm trying to keep my daughter happy (we're going through a clingy Mommy phase), spend time with her since I've been at work all day, pick up the house, make dinner, blah blah blah... I've also got two dogs that have been alone all day (well they had each other but still) and just want some Mommy loving too. So I have a fussy baby, fussy dogs, a dirty house, no dinner, and all of my own issues on top of it all. I about lost my marbles. This all sounds so easy to most... but when you're in a cloud of depression you just feel trapped and want to scream for help. I tried to talk to the Hubs, but he was stressed from his own soap opera of a life. And last night, it all hit me like a bucket of ice water.

I got off work early to get home and clean up. But no matter how much i cleaned, there was still dog hair! Then the group comes over and the dogs keep barking and getting in everyone's faces to say "Hello". The babies are fussy because, well hello, the dogs are much bigger then them. Then the babies are eating goldfish, which they drop on the floor, which still (despite my best efforts) has DOG HAIR ON IT. Right there i felt my blood pressure rising.

So i put the dogs behind the gate on the stairs so at least i don't have to keep corralling them away from the kids. Then everyone is in my kitchen while i layout dinner and it's like a neon sign screaming at me that i didn't get around to mopping my floor in the last MONTH! UH! I mean i've swiffered wetjetted but that is NO match for my dog's paws and drool.

Honestly I wanted to sit down right there and just cry, because not only was I subjecting their children to this, MY child crawls through it every day! My friends were great telling me my house was clean, smelled great, and is nothing like I was picturing in my head. But the evidence is ALL there, in the hair!

So last night I laid down, with my heart beating out of my chest because i was so full of anxiety that i couldn't properly communicate to the Hubs. I tried my relaxation techniques, i tried thinking happy thoughts, I tried NOT thinking. Eventually I drifted off, after a few tears and prayers.

I don't know what the answer is to all this... other then if you're a Mom, who does it all/most of it. I.understand. I'm there with you, hugging you, telling you it's okay and that you can do it. I'm there thanking you for loving your family so much (even if you don't always show it the way you want to). I'm here cheering for you and telling you to thank yourself for being an awesome Mom. AND i'm here telling you that NO ONE is perfect, despite what it looks like on the outside from your eyes, NO ONE is perfect.

Hugs to YOU!

And on another, happier (sort of, since it means she's growing up) note. Kinsley walks... yes last night she did it again.

but she still prefers cruising for now... so here she is cruising around the coffee table, and i'm getting pictures of the only thing she'll let me photograph, her rear... since she's always on the move! lol




and here's a little preview of her Halloween costume. This is from Alibye Design on etsy. I just love it and can't wait to see it on Kinsley next month!

All the awfulness

Here's what we're working with people in all it's awfulness.
I weigh: 165.5
My body fat is 31.5%
I am 49% water weight (i think that's what it means...)
My measurements are the following

Busts: 43" (yikes) Waist: 32"
Hips: 41.5" Pooch belly: 40"
Thighs: 23 3/4" each Upper Arms: 12 1/4" each
Neck: 13.5"

So i don't have those AWESOME before pictures for you...yet. I will take them tonight. Promise!
So lets start our journey into the The Carb Lovers Diet and the 30 day Shred!

And as a farewell to our former fatter life, here's my cute little cupcake eating a cupcake that i can no longer have (for now)!

To her credit there's some mashed potato already in her hair...
"Mom how do i get it from my fingers to my mouth?"
"Maybe if i wave my hand around in the air?"
"Opps I had an itch"
"just showing off what good gel Icing makes!"