What's up hookers!

Hey lovelies! OMG I ate WAY too much this weekend... Apparently whenever there's a "holiday" on the schedule that means I get to over eat in a REALLY bad way. OYE! I even gained a pound. IN A WEEKEND.

It all started on Friday. I didn't have my lunch with me at work so I needed to go and get some. Well my coworkers decided that since I was going out with them that we should go to my favorite place, Fuddruckers. OMG. So I was all "I can do this, I can be good" then we get there and I'm all "OMG GIVE ME A BURGER AND FRIES AND LOAD IT WITH MAYO AND HONEY MUSTARD AND I MUST LICK MY FINGERS"... see where I'm going with this. Then on the way home I'm all "It's Friday, I don't want to cook, I'll let the hubs worry about it"... enter Five Guys (you know because I love burgers and he thought he was doing me a favor since I had mentioned I hadn't been there in a while). AND there is NO healthy option at Five Guys so I'm not even going to pretend that I was going to be good at any point.

It's now Saturday and we took Kinsley to her first ever movie IN a theatre... So I HAD to eat an ENTIRE BOX of milk duds. (Are you feeling sick yet? Wait!) Afterwards we met up with Chris's brother and his girlfriend and went to Friday's for lunch. You can TOTALLY go healthy at TGI Fridays... I mean I didn't, but YOU CAN! I ate a Jack Daniels Chicken sandwich... yes it comes with bacon, yes I ate it with french fries. Then we went to watch airplanes land (don't ask me but kids LOVE IT!) and so I needed a snowball. When we got home I made dinner... ground beef, cream of chicken soup, provolone cheese all wrapped in crescent rolls. Top it off with a Margarita... yummm (oh and a piece of german chocolate cake... OMG head.hitting.desk)

And now that it's actually fathers day, we TOTALLY have to eat again! And by eat I mean pump fat into my veins with an IV. We had a shrimp pasta salad with a mayo base, a decent size NY Strip, green beans (yea for SOMETHING healthy), corn, and MORE deserts and MORE MORE MORE Margaritas. Why yes I'm ready to throw up now at my own gluttony. GEZZZ.

I don't think I can even look at myself in the eye, that weekend was SO GROSS! I know we all have times like this, but Damn girl, it's like this is the norm for me. Not.OKay!

on the up swing... I think writing this out just gave me the motivation to start my Insanity workout at lunch!

God I love her!

So i'll be the first to tell you that K gets her brains from her Daddy... but these next shots... ALL ME

See this tiny unassuming human looking cute and preppy as can be???

Here's the real girl under that mask!

Don't know why it turned... but here I asked her to take a picture for Grandma or Sasha or Pop Pop (can't remember which) and so she struck a pose. THEN the best part is when she wanted to SEE the picture and informed me "That's So Cute!"

Oh Lord help us all!

Caption this...

I love talking for my kids... you know voicing what they are really wanting to say (especially the one who can't talk yet, bless his sweet QUITE  heart!)! So here's a few thoughts on these gems from this morning... do you have any "captions" to add?

This I call Chucky's Girlfriend

Or What your toddler is really thinking when you're not looking.

Happens to be what happens when you ask a two year old to say cheese...

This is "Eat my cheeks"

This is "How you doin?"

So what's you're caption for my kids? GO!

OKAY I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!~

So sleep deprivation is a very real form of torture. They use it in war and kids use it in the nursery. It's true. Children are born programed to break the strongest of men. I still think if we would force the Taliban to take care of their own children for a few days (rather than making their wives do it) then they would surrender immediately.

Parker has decided that he's going to go all "Give me your state secrets" on me. I've come to the conclusion that he is either 1. going through a growth spurt, 2. has an ear infection or something, 3. REALLY wants us to start the cry it out method.

My sweet little man used to wake up once a nice to eat. Now he wakes up 3+ times and after he's done he's not happy unless I'm holding him, if I try to lay him back in his crib I am rewarded with fussiness, then cries, then screams. YEA!!

He's also not napping well. He MIGHT nap for 45mins at a time and getting him to nap is a nightmare too... didn't use to be this way.

Today I was late for work because I was busy selling him on the black market trying to get an extra hour of sleep in, since I only got 5 last night. That didn't happen. Kinsley fussed, then the guilt of not getting up and rushing to work set in, AND I let Parker munch on my boob in hopes that he would stay quite. Add it all together and that means no sleep for me.

Kinsley has also been a REAL JOY lately... in case you can't tell by the font, that statement is dripping in sarcasm. She's decided to be a real peach and fuss and whine about everything she can possibly think of. We even threaten to take away her stars from her star chart and she doesn't care. Timeout? Doesn't care. No Mickey? Doesn't care. I'll give you a cupcake! Wrong color... you get the trend.

LUCKILY, Parker has his 4 month check up tomorrow and so I will see if Kinsley can be checked over too (PLEASE be something drugs can fix! Drugs are your friend!). If both kids are healthy and just pissy then this Mommy is about to lay down a whole lot of tough love, so they better watch out. Kinsley will go into her room EVERY.TIME. she gets whinny and fussy (because people 24/7 of a kid fussing, even when you're showering her with attention and CUPCAKES is NOT okay)... and P-man? He will begin the cry it out method.

I'm hoping my kids are just "off" and not being little shit heads difficult. We'll know more tomorrow... until then pray for me because I feel myself slipping.

Remember when Kinsley was around 4 or 5 months old and I hit my depression wall... yeah that's creeping on me right now. I feel it coming on. I'm fighting it but each time that little boy cries and each hour of sleep I keep missing and then ice that cake with toddler meltdowns... I'm slipping. Pray.

disturbing boobs

It's disturbing to me how little I think about my boobs as boobs and how much i think of them as a food source.

I'm more concerned about them being full of milk then I am about them looking good in my clothes. I will walk around the house with one (or both) hanging out because I'm in the middle of feeding Parker and he needed a diaper change or K needed something. So I pop Parker off the boob, leave it hanging out and then pop Parker right back one. My lack of modesty is not lost on me... there have been MANY moments where I'm standing at the pack-n-play, that is RIGHT in sight of the front door, changing Parker's diaper with one enormous National Geographic milk machine hanging out and thinking "Man if Chris got home RIGHT now i would flash the neighborhood...". OR I've thought, while brushing my teeth this morning with one boob out and baby on the hip, "why didn't I put that sucker away, Parker's done eating"... answer: It just didn't occur to me! Honestly people!

I'm lucky (and by me I mean YOU) that i haven't walked out of the house with girls hanging out. Or just whipped it out without thinking in front of the world. It's terrible.

I am so programed into my boobs as food that I can't even remember if they became boobs again after Kinsley was done with them.

Well since this is the last kid that will grace this buffet hopefully that means that one day I will see them as mine and as leverage with my husband, not just a milk shake.

Lets get some therapy...

So growing up I developed a laundry list of insecurities thanks to a less than stellar experience in middle and high school. But no matter how many times I was made fun of i could always lean on the fact that I was skinny and looked pretty. No matter how much I hated myself I liked my body.

Now I don 't even have that.

Enter photo... Most normal people would look at this photo and think, Wow she's at Nats park! What a pretty day. I think... OMG I look huge, my legs are embarrassingly large and why did i think that top looked cute?!?!

Is this a normal reaction? Perhaps, but is it healthy? No!

I used to not have to work for my body. I could eat what I wanted and not workout and stay a size 2.. now not so much (I know whoa is me!). Now I'm like every other woman and I can eat right and workout and I still look like the above. I get it, grow up Erin and put in the time like the rest of the world... but here's where my whining enters. I've lost the one thing I could fall back on when I'm feeling insecure so now i'm always insecure so I turn to food and then repeat the terrible cycle.

WHY do fat girls turn to food for comfort? I mean I know I turned to it when I was skinny but now I REALLY look to it... especially if I make it myself. I guess I think now if people are talking about my delicious food they aren't looking at my rolling waist.

I get the comments that I just had a baby, but honestly I looked like this pre-baby.

I'm just tired of hating myself. I'm tired of pretending that I have it all together when I'm really drowning in failure. The failure that I can't lose weight, that i can't keep my house picked up, that i can't stay up to date on laundry, that i never have any energy, that I'm not the wife that I want to be for my husband.

I want to like myself enough to actually fix what I don't like and not keep sabotaging myself.  Thanks for the vent!

Oh she's special that one...

So this morning it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed and get into the shower, then I actually mustered up enough energy to blow dry my hair (I just got it done and I'm not over the novelty of having pretty hair)! So I'm feeling pretty good with myself and decided I'm going to be an awesome fun Mom (this is a decision you have to make daily when you're running on fumes).

See my daughter LOVES (understatement of the century) Pink Donuts. That is donuts with pink icing or pink sprinkles on them. She seriously would sell her brother on the black market for one. So this morning I'm like "I'm going to make her day!" and wake her up with some cuddles and then whisper "Do you want to go and get a pink donut to eat at school today for breakfast?", because I'm nothing if not a provider of only the most nutritious meals for my children. Do you know what this kid did? She looked up at me and said "Yeah, we'll get a pink donut AND a cupcake"... WTF?!?! Ummm NO we will get you a yummy pink donut, but no cupcake today.

Enter meltdown. She is pissed because she is only going to get a pink donut and no cupcake. UM wasn't an option to begin with... Do you not realize child that you weren't even going to get the damn donut but I'm SO awesome of a Mom that I'm going to give that you??? HELLS to the No, the kid wants both.

So you know what I do? I get her ONLY a pink donut and she's ONLY getting it because I need a damn coffee from Starbucks or else she wouldn't get that the ungrateful child that she is.

She was pretty damn cute eating it though this morning!~