When the going gets tough

Yesterday SUCKED. I can't even put it into words to properly describe it.

My little mini-me has taken to acting out at school. I'm not a parent that lets her get away with it, she knows this. She knows she has to have a good day (or mostly good) at school to watch Mickey at home and to get a bag of fruit snacks. These are her rewards and decompress time.

Wednesday the teacher informed me that Kinsley tried to hit one of the other teachers, TWICE! OK, got it, no Mickey or fruit snacks. I tried to talk to her about why she did this, what she was feeling, etc. All I got was "I don't want to talk about this right now mom"... then "She not being nice, she said No".

Thursday I picked her up holding my breath. She ran up to me with her friends, while her friends tattled right away "Kinsley doesn't get fruit snacks!" Uh oh. And that's when the teacher informs me that she yelled at the same teacher she tried to hit the other day, she hit her friends and she would throw and kick toys. Awesome. Obviously goes without saying, no TV and no fruit snacks.

This, as you might have guessed, invokes HUGE melt downs. I also informed little diva that she would go to her room when we got home until I could get Parker asleep.

From the time we got home until the time hubs got home (2 hours) one or both kids were crying.

Kinsley would cry at the injustice of the world, Parker because he was tired/hungry/wanted to be held CONSTANTLY. We had a 8min break during bath time... but that was short lived.

Bubba hasn't been good at going to bed lately and he's been even worse at staying sleep... we are crying it out a lot but that's not working, neither is rocking him, neither is well ANYTHING that doesn't involve letting him do whatever he wants no matter the time of night. It's awesome.

During this 2 hour shit show I also needed to get dinner on the table (K still didn't eat until 645ish, except for the super healthy snack of cheese balls). I needed to care of the dogs. I needed to pee, which i didn't get to do until 730 (despite really needing to go from about 430).

I was so overwhelmingly DONE by the time Kinsley FINALLY went to sleep that I was too stunned to even cry the huge tears I wanted to let flow. Instead i sat down on the couch, turned on the TV and expressed milk from my throbbing boobs that i'm trying to stop from making milk.

Just another in Paradise.

Whoa, i should pee more often!

JUST so you know i lost 2 lbs between yesterday and today. AND I know that I have at least a pound of milk in the ole boobies since I'm trying to stop breastfeeding and I haven't pumped in over 36hours so there's that (ouch!)!! So REALLY I bet I'm down 3lbs. NOW I'm not saying I'm on a magical diet that is killing 3lbs a day, it's most likely water weight (enter eye rolls) but HOLLA! I might hate myself a little less now!

the journey continues but with some fun!

Before we get to all of my bitching and woe is me part of this post lets do something fun! I saw this on Where we can Live like Jack and Sally and since Holly is wicked cool and since I love to steal other peoples good ideas, I'm going to do it too!

 

A. Age: 30

B. Bed size: King! It's a must, especially since the hubs insist on our 70lb lab to be in our bed... this past weekend we stayed at a hotel and got stuck in a room with two double beds, yea we tried to share one... I NEED MY SPACE... but if i'm not going to have space i would rather not have it with the hubs then my dog!

C. Chore you hate: All chores. I hate to clean. One I hate the most? bathrooms... takes FOREVER!

D. Dogs: we have two. the amazing queen of the house Stella and then there's Sadie. the devil lab that is the bane of my existence... but still gives a really good innocent face.

E. Essential start to your day: coffee... I must change this though because that don't help... ideas?

F. Favorite color: Pink, because as my daughter would say "it's my color"

G. Gold or Silver:typically silver but i'm loving some gold lately... gold used to be very 1980s mom fashion (much like Mom jeans) but now it's all retro hip and i'm loving it!

H. Height: 5'6... in high school they called me the Jolly Green Giant because I was the tallest girl on the cheerleading squad and we wore green... yea

I. Instruments you play: nada I sing. In elementary school when you get assigned an instrument to play I was assigned the violin, well my dad thought the orcastra teacher was bat shit crazy and wouldn't let me in her class so i got stuck in chorus and there I was ever since.

J. Job Title: Contract Specialist... i sound so professional yo!

K. Kids: Two. And DONE! Even though the hubs mentioned this past weekend that we could have more since ours were so ridiculously awesome... but then that night Parker was up from 230 until 5am and the hubs reversed that decision! Good, because Momma wants to get her boobs done since they are WAY too friendly with her knees!

L. Live: I have no idea what you want from me here...

M. Married: To Chris/topher/hubs/Northern Cowboy

N. Nicknames: Woman, E, Sweetcakes, Mom

O. Overnight hospital stays: when i popped two kids (at different times!) out of my body... well one kind of slid out on his own but whateve.

P. Pet peeve: when we aren't friends (like good friends, if you have to ask we aren't) and you try to talk to me in the bathroom... that is my private time, BACK OFF. Also being late. It's one thing if there's not a start time or we say Between this and that time. But if you tell me you're going to be somewhere at 10am and I go through all the trouble of getting my kids and myself ready and I vacuum then you BETTER BE THERE!

Q. Quote: "Some people we just born with glitter in their veins" -no idea

"If you see someone without a smile, give them yours" -Dolly Parton

R. Righty or Lefty: Righty

S. Siblings: yea i have two. I have my older brother who is nothing like me yet we are exactly the same... i swear it makes sense if you know us! And he's a lawyer and single ladies!

And then there's my half sister. That's a post of another day... since she doesn't want to be in my brother and my lives.

T. Time you wake up: Well i NEED to get up at 445... sometimes i do... lately i've been getting up at 545 and being all OMG we're so late and so i wear my hair wet and take my kids to school in their PJs and ask the teachers to put their clothes on... MOM OF THE YEAR

U. University attended: North Carolina State University! GO PACK!

V. Vegetables you dislike: Lima Beans! UH!

W. What makes you run late: lack of sleep, two kids, Chris, getting myself AND my kids ready

X. X-rays you've had: teeth, foot (broke it at a wedding but I caught the bouquet!)

Y. Yummy food: Spaghetti, taco salad, french fries, wine, cupcakes

Z. Zoo animal favorite: giraffe. Think about how much they weigh, but they are so damn tall they wear it so well!

 

Alright, on to the meat of the post now that you know more about nothing you wanted to know about me!

Yesterday I had an amazing out reach from friends (real, old, and internet alike) offering support. One though (holla A) really stuck out. She said what I needed to hear "Just DO IT ALREADY" and that's it. I don't need to hear "Oh you look great"  because I don't... I don't need to hear "You have two kids" because I KNOW, that's one excuse i use often. A lot of people have my excuses to look fat and be lazy but they don't look like I do and more importantly they don't feel like I do! That's the bottom line, I don't like FEELING this way!

 

So after reading her actually refreshing kick in the butt email I decided she's right. I CAN DO  IT and I WILL do it. It will involve making a lot of decisions i'm not comfortable with: walking away from a cupcake, putting down the credit card, saying no to the whole bottle of wine, but the only person standing in my way is me. No one else is choosing it for me, they might be pressuring me but they aren't opening my mouth and shoving it down my throat.

 

So i'm going to use the line that we all say "I'm starting on Monday!". I mean I'm going to start making good decisions now (no Fuddruckers for lunch) but I do better with a plan so the REAL shit show will start on Monday, when I'm prepared. Today I will drink more water and eat smaller meals that aren't swimming with carbs, but Monday it will be a new me and a new blog. I want to show people they can do it since many of y'all have shown me that you can and did do it! You've inspired me so I will inspire others.

 

But this doesn't mean to let up on me! Call my ass out!

---

Forget the timeout...

Breedwoman doesn't need a timeout she needs to lose a toddler. And this is where it's going to have to begin. You might remember that I started operation sexy dress back around thanksgiving... well sexy dress got returned. I exchanged it at the 11th hour for a very beautiful but less sexy dress... meaning less hoochy dress since nobody likes a fat hoochy.

My dreams of not hating every single picture of myself from my friends wedding are not to ever be lived. Luckily it was her wedding and she looked AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL... so who cares about me... ME!

I am in a bad place in my life. My spending is effecting my marriage. My weight is effecting my marriage. My eating habits are effecting my children's eating habits. My exhaustion is effecting my parenting and/or lack of parenting. Everything is a mess and it's hard for me to figure out what to do about it. I have some plans but with everything, most of them cost money **cough cough, didn't you see the above***.

I'm torn by what will work for me, what I can stick with, how I can keep my motivation up, the fear of failure. I don't have a shortage of "this is it" post where I'm going to transform my life and I'm hesitant to turn this into one of them... but what if this is it? What if I HAVE reached my bottom of the barrel moment and I CAN do this? But, what if this is like every other time?

Luckily (i guess) I'm done breastfeeding. I have enough milk frozen to get Parker through to his one year so I'm done with all that, i don't have to worry about maintain my supply. My supply is done! So there's one hurdle gone. But what about my biggest hurdle? Myself. If you're reading this and you're my friend please be there to help me. Encourage me, text me daily, hold me accountable! PLEASE I NEED HELP! I HATE MYSELF right now and I don't want to be that example for my kids!

What do I want to do? Cut my calories, do Insanity (the only workout that I'm happy I did afterwards because I know it's working), drink Shakeology (holy crap not cheap), get sleep (yeah OKAY Parker, help Momma out), take care of me.

But I'm scared. I'm scared I don't have a good enough plan. I'm scared one sickness or change in the daily schedule will send me right back to where I was. I'm scared.

I weigh 178lbs and I hate myself.

Flipping Mom Guilt

Y'all, I'll be the first to tell you, I do NOT feel bad going to work. Hell, most days I'm sprinting to work without a backward glance. Does this make me a bad parent? Maybe, but I do love my kids and I know that I need the adult time to be a better Mom for them. Plus, my salary provides for us, even past daycare.

I try to do a lot with them and make all of their school parties and special moments but sometimes it's hard. I rarely have "me" time because my "me time" is work, how much does that suck?? Once I leave work I feel guilty if i schedule anything else that doesn't include them. True statement.

Well little man is sick and I'm not with him. 99% of the time I am the one that takes off and stays home with him, but it's just not possible today and I feel the guilt. I know he wants nothing but sweet Momma cuddles (at least I'm pretty sure that's in the top 5 of his list today) but i have to work... GUILT!

Also, tonight, I'm going out to dinner... so I won't be home before he goes to bed. GUILT! I'm going to dinner with a college bestie that i haven't seen in over 2 years so I'M GOING because she is staying over in Baltimore for the night to interview for a residency so it's a one shot deal and so I'M GOING but I've got loads of guilt!

Why can't a Momma ever do something without all of this guilt?!?! I love my kids so much it hurt and I know I do a lot for them but if I'm not the one there trying to make them feel better, no matter the reason, I feel guilty. Then at work I tell my boss that i might have to stay home tomorrow. I will try to telework some but with a sick baby you never know what will happen... so SHE throws the guilt on me!!! The hubs has got A LOT going on at work right now, so he is throwing the guilt on me. I'm not sure how much more my shoulders will bear.

For love of the children

When you're nothing but a half ass...

Everything in my life lately I feel like i've half-assed it. Clean my house? Yeah it's clean when people come over... during the week? Hell NO!

 

 

Losing weight, working out, and staying on my diet plan?

Half-assed

 

Everything, my work? Yeah I get stuff done but i know i could be doing better.

This blog? Well lets see, when was the last picture and post? Half-assed

Relationship with my husband...

Quality time, not just time with my kids...

my thirty-one business...

About the only thing i haven't been half-assing is shopping, which is NOT a good thing according to my hubs.

I'm in a constant state of exhaustion. I am constantly giving up before I've really even begun.

Remember the MTV show MADE? That's what I need. I need a real adult life MADE. I need a Jillian Michaels to follow me around and yell at me so that I keep accountable to my time. I know that most of my problems are time management, but even with all the time in the world, at night, once the kids are in bed (7-730) I'm FREAKING TIRED! I don't want to pick up my house. I don't want to workout. I don't want to work on work. I just want to lay on the couch and eat a tub of raw cookie dough while watching Vampire Diaries. Little known fact but the CW is my tween happy place.

I try to workout at work during lunch and some weeks I'm a rockstar at it, but throw a monkey wrench into one day and the whole week is blown. I have an addiction to food and carbs, what fat girl doesn't, and to figure out a good and easy menu takes time that I don't have. Plus going to weight watchers meetins aren't mean enough for me. It's like they almost pat you on the back for breaking your diet ("It's okay... next week!" HELL NO it's not okay, how do you think I got this way!!!)

So if they come out with an adult MADE that doesn't require you to be 400lbs or quit your job for a few months, let me know but I want to sign up. This girl needs help!