BOOM, enter Princess Erin

Shit's about to get real up in here with this fat girl. So I'm looking through Pintrest and I see a picture of Kate Middleton and I'm all like "Dangit Big Erin, You could look just like her if you weren't so fat (four inches taller, got a nose job, chemical peel, teeth whitened, and grew your hair out!) I mean JUST like her!"

So I did what any normal fat celebrity look alike would do and googled her diet. OBVIOUSLY i know she doesn't diet because Skinny Princess Kate doesn't need to right? Well SHE DID! And I'm SO going to jump on that bandwagon like a drag queen jumps on glitter! Because face it, I'm big and sparkly like a drag queen so it works!

It's called the Dukan Diet. Uh huh! It's how French people eat! And I mean since they are so good at everything else (winning wars... oh shit i just lost a reader didn't I?) I thought I would do it to... because lets face it, despite their teeth, the french look good!

But LOTS of people have used this diet, Kate Middleton, her Mom, J-Lo! OBVIOUSLY my people!

It's kind of like an Atkins diet but more realistic, better for you, and shorter, sort of... with a maintenance phase, so maybe it's longer... I majored in history (holla to the Frenchies) not math.

There are four phases to the diet.

Phase 1 - ATTACK

The Attack phase consists of pure protein and creates a kick-start to the diet. During this phase, you can eat 68 high-protein foods that produce immediate and noticeable weight loss. Basically you can eat lean meats (no fatty bacon, no skin on the chicken) and no fat dairy like Greek yogurt, etc. AND you get 1 1/2 tbsp of oat bran, which the author recommends making a pancake out of.

This phase last for 3-7 days depending on how much weight you need to lose. Big Erin needs to be on it for 5 days (at least)

Phase 2 - CRUISE

The Cruise phase adds 32 vegetables and will take you to your True Weight. You will gradually but steadily lose weight by alternating Pure Protein days and Protein + Vegetables days. The average length of this phase is based on a schedule of 3 days for each pound you want to lose.

So you've already lost like 7lb+ and you stay on cruise until you are at your goal weight. (could be YEARS before I get there)

Phase 3 - CONSOLIDATION

During this time you are at your most vulnerable, as the body has a tendency to quickly regain lost pounds. The Consolidation Phase is designed to prevent the rebound effect by gradually returning previously forbidden foods and allowing for two “celebration" meals per week (You know i'm going to be licking the mayo off my plate that dropped from my burger). This phase follows a strict timeline – 5 days per every pound lost in Cruise Phase. So IF i lose 40 lbs, we'll pretend for easy math that I lost 30 of it in the cruise phase that means I'll be on this phase for like 5 months! HOLY....

Phase 4 - PERMANENT STABILIZATION

This phase is the rest of your life! (okay so a lot longer than any other diet...)You have learned how to eat healthily in the previous phases and have developed a pattern to follow. In addition, to keep your new slim body, you must follow these three simple but non-negotiable rules:

1. Consume 3 Tablespoons of oat bran per day.
2. Choose to take the stairs whenever possible.
3. Have a pure-protein Thursday, i.e. Attack Phase menu.

I know this is all another "fad" but I like how short phase 1 is. I can start it on Monday and be done and ready to eat veggies by Saturday! I just need to get my plan on. Planning is key with ANY good diet but it's critical for this one ~

And I'll leave you with what my life has become...

Parker at McDonald's (obviously good food choices are being made)... Crazy look provided by cheeseburgers and french fries.

K and I making Brownies (there were eggs in them!)

Her crazy eyes are because she's high on sugar!

Funny thing is that she had a bite of the brownie yesterday and then didn't want anymore... guess we should just make batter.

Story of my evening, Parker destroying my kitchen and then trying to get me to hold him while i attempt to make a healthy dinner and then give up. See above pic

Also I'm getting my pintrest on for a baby shower coming up. The other items are cuter so I'll take pics of those to share.

 

Have a great weekend and eat large!

 

 

 

Hold your Pee

So I'm still having bladder issues. As in, my bladder has issues holding my pee. I mean what the hell?!?! I've had my kids, I did my kegals, I should be good... not so. It's bad. To the point where I can pee before I workout but once I hit a jog I should think about investing in some Depends.

Big Erin is devastated by by this since inner Skinny Erin is having dilemmas about whether to workout at all...

What else is going on? My IBS is back. I knew it would come back, it leaves me temporarily when I'm pregnant... it's so glorious that I've contemplated getting pregnant again just to not deal with it... It came back with a furry though the other weekend, I think triggered by stress, caffeine, and bad eating. Now it likes to be present for a few days and then leave. Awesome

So while there's nothing I can do for my IBS, other than try to eat better... even though that doesn't always help... I CAN get help for my bladder. And I will eventually.

My bladder works in a way that once I need to go there's no waiting. AND once I'm in the bathroom trying to wiggle my pants down my fat girl thighs my bladder gets SO excited at the thought of me peeing that it's often a close call to if I'll make it to over the toilet or not. THANK YOU KINSLEY AND PARKER!

So my GYN gave me the names of some Urologist... problem is finding the time to go... not to mention I'll most LIKELY need surgery of some kind, whether it's basic out patient or not... it's going to be awesome! So have you had pee pee issues since you've had a human exit your vagina?

The obsession has hit me

I have always loved my kids. Despite my constant complaining about them, I LOVE them... to the point where I'm even half crazy enough to entertain the idea of a third... i know lost my ever loving mind... but I think the hubs will wrangle in my crazies. ANYWAY it has hit me with my son. The Mother-Son love/obsession. I've always been enamored with him, being my last baby and my boy, etc. But this last week it's gone over the top, so much so that I almost feel guilty about it because I'm not quite there right now with Kinsley.

Kinsley has always been independent. She was never clingy with me... she is more clingy now then she ever was in the past. She's my little buddy, friend, shopping companion. She's my mini-me and I love every amazing thing about her.

But Parker is my boy. Wow, something about the bond between Mommy and her boy. I get it now, the Daddy and his daughter. I guess because Kinsley is a girl and I am too, I know what she's capable of? But Parker is my Son, my baby, and I am his Mommy and I will ALWAYS be the first woman in his life.

Eventually I'll move to number two, like I should when he gets married... but I'm going to pretend that day will never come. Because right now when he sees me there's no one else in the room. It's just him and me. He's slobbery open mouth kisses are waiting for me and no one else!

It's strange but I felt I needed to talk about it because it hit me this week like a two-by-four between the eyes, this bond/love. I wasn't expecting it. I was expecting what I've felt for Kinsley. Love/admiration/wonder... but not this. Not this feeling that I find hard to put into words. It's not that I love him more than Kinsley because I certainly don't. It's just different. People always said I would get it when I had a boy, well I get it and I hope you'll get it one day too!

FYI

Don't wear heels on leg day...

that is all

No one ever tells you...

That you will be climbing the walls most days with your children

That each child will be so drastically different that you'll wonder if they have the same parents

That no matter how "fun" you think it is your three year old will still prefer to clean the bathroom or something/anything else

That no amount of wine will get you through some days

That telling your kid to hold their ankles so you can wipe their butt will become your norm

That having your 3 year old tell you, you have big boobies and she has small boobies will be normal conversation for Target

That you will willingly feed your 1 year old mac and cheese every.single.night if it means he'll eat and so then sleep through the night

That having your child look like a homeless bum because they wanted to dress themselves will be accaptable because you're just happy they want to wear clothes

That you'll name your Mini-van (which you sore you would never drive) the swager wagon because you're trying to sound cool again on some level

That there will rarely be a day that you show up at work without snot, spit up, food, or all of the above on your person

That your new "bag" will be the size of a small child and still not be big enough for all the crap you need

No one ever tells you that being a parent is f'ing hard and yet blissfully amazing all at the same time. No one ever tells you that while you love your little gifts from God there will be days that you threaten the Grandparents that you'll send them to foster care if they don't come and give you a break.

Now with all that being said, yes I love my kids, no I would never give them up, they are the biggest blessing in my life... but IT'S HARD!! And some/all days I LOVE getting to take them to daycare, at least for a few hours!

Jake and Holly's Link up!!

 

I have been in training for work this week and generally burnt out when i get home so I saw this and thought PERFECT. I love Reading Holly's blog so I thought it would be SUPER fun to participate! Join or just have fun reading our answers!!

 

1. People always tell me.... That I'm really blunt

2. In the movie based on my life... I would come across as WAY more Mary Poppins and way less of a life time movie

3. Typically, I end up regretting.... drinking too much

4. I always ask to leave off the....mustard... that shit covers the taste of all the good stuff, like Mayo

5. Kim and Kanye really... need to be sterilized

6. My Parents always reminded me... That my actions reflect on them... that and have a buddy

7. Every single day I..... poop

8. This one time in College... I had to go to the hospital because of a bad reaction to NAIR... yeah i wasn't wearing short shorts for a while

9. My grossest habit is... I like to pick at my hair like a monkey and get the build up out of it like fleas

10. My latest white lie was... how much I spent on something... until the CC statement came in... AHH LIES I TELL YOU

11. I know all the words to... I Like Big Butts and I CANNOT LIE. Those other brothers can deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung. Let me roll up... Yeah it was my theme song!

12. When I grow up... I want to sleep in! And possibly trade in my Swager Wagon for something a little cooler.

13. Sexy time is... always on my mind until i get home and cook dinner and things put together and get snotted on and food thrown on and then a dog farts on me and I'm over it all and just want to sleep

14. I will never, ever... throw my kids under a bus. A literal one that is... they can take the rap for me any time... they're cute, they can handle it.

15. I think it's hilarious... when people do things i would normally do, before I do them so they look dumb and save me from myself~

 

Thanks Holly and Jake for the fun Link up! I can't wait to read everyone's answers!

My Poor Baby's mouth

I'm Actually talking about Parker but you could throw Kinsley in there because I might smack that mouth with all the sass coming out of it... kidding i won't smack her... yet

No Parker went for his well visit yesterday... yeah Doc said he could see AT LEAST 5 teeth coming in! WHAT THE HELL!?!? Is this kid trying to prove something? Is he pissed because it's hard to chew? But could you imagine the pain of cutting 5 teeth at once and a few of them are molars?!?! Holy God, it might be similar to popping a kid out of your vagina... almost, not quite! I guess I did get an epidural though... HAHA Sucker!

SO Yeah my house has been a barrel full of fun lately, he's cutting teeth, add in his one year shots (which makes ALL babies crazy fussy lunatics), and then my REALLY bad IBS is back, and Kinsley is three. KILL.ME.NOW.

But the hubs did the unthinkable and bought be flowers for no reason... so all is right with the world... except i'm in training so i have no way/time to work out... whomp whomp

22 weeks until the beach... calling all whales! Lets me friends~