My dreams of not hating every single picture of myself from my friends wedding are not to ever be lived. Luckily it was her wedding and she looked AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL... so who cares about me... ME!
I am in a bad place in my life. My spending is effecting my marriage. My weight is effecting my marriage. My eating habits are effecting my children's eating habits. My exhaustion is effecting my parenting and/or lack of parenting. Everything is a mess and it's hard for me to figure out what to do about it. I have some plans but with everything, most of them cost money **cough cough, didn't you see the above***.
I'm torn by what will work for me, what I can stick with, how I can keep my motivation up, the fear of failure. I don't have a shortage of "this is it" post where I'm going to transform my life and I'm hesitant to turn this into one of them... but what if this is it? What if I HAVE reached my bottom of the barrel moment and I CAN do this? But, what if this is like every other time?
Luckily (i guess) I'm done breastfeeding. I have enough milk frozen to get Parker through to his one year so I'm done with all that, i don't have to worry about maintain my supply. My supply is done! So there's one hurdle gone. But what about my biggest hurdle? Myself. If you're reading this and you're my friend please be there to help me. Encourage me, text me daily, hold me accountable! PLEASE I NEED HELP! I HATE MYSELF right now and I don't want to be that example for my kids!
What do I want to do? Cut my calories, do Insanity (the only workout that I'm happy I did afterwards because I know it's working), drink Shakeology (holy crap not cheap), get sleep (yeah OKAY Parker, help Momma out), take care of me.
But I'm scared. I'm scared I don't have a good enough plan. I'm scared one sickness or change in the daily schedule will send me right back to where I was. I'm scared.
I weigh 178lbs and I hate myself.
Oh Erin! I hate to see you so down on yourself, you have a little baby and it's the hardest time right now. So much of you is being given to him, it's hard. Just remember this is just a small point in your life, next year your kids will be more independent and things will hopefully get easier. I am right there with you on the spending, especially when I'm unhappy or stressed I shop and shop and shop. ugh. not good. I've put myself on a damn spending diet unnecessary items!! People wonder WHY I spend two hours a day at the gym, for my dang sanity! I need that 'me' time away from the kids and my husband :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling so unhappy. I know the feeling though, and you can do it. Maybe being done with breastfeeding will be a big help, my son will be one at the end of the month and I love nursing but I can't wait to have my body back to being completely mine. I am weighing in at 176 lbs, want to try to move the scale together? I know I am not exactly a friend but I hope that I can help encourage you somehow cause you can do it. Just from reading your old posts I can tell that you have what it takes, be a little easier on yourself right now and take it a day or maybe a week at a time. I hope you can make this the year when you stop hating yourself. It's hard but keep trying.
ReplyDelete