That moment you meet with a nutritionist

Oh and then you meet with her again, after you were trying to avoid her... because you didn't follow her hard ass plan and have actually gained MORE weight. yea.

So I went to a nutritionist and she's all "eat lean protein" yada yada, easy peasy... Well if it were EASY I wouldn't be where I am now would I? I wouldn't be gaining more and more weight would I? SO easy to just make protein and eat it plain with veggies that are plain. YUM... SO easy. SUPER easy in the mornings to eat eggs while I pop out the yokes. YUM.

I Hate this! I HATE that creating a livable lifestyle is SO hard. I HATE that I have NO drive to do it even though I'm completely disgusted with how I am now. I know the tools, but I'm too tired and too full of excuses. I just need a break somewhere in my life and it's not coming.

Between by job, commute, trying to keep up at home, I just want some damn bread! I want to sit at home and eat my bowl of pasta with bread AND a glass of wine and NOT gain weight OKAY!?!?

But that's not going to happen, instead I'm reduced to tears because I can see it in her face "You aren't trying and YOU aren't ready". She's right I guess. But I don't see when I'm ever going to be ready, I just don't see an end in sight.

OH how I wish I could be a stay at home Mom. I would BE home to make food to make good choices. I would BE home to help my kids with their homework and put their clothes away, instead of living out of hampers. I would BE home to make sure my husband has everything he needs so there was less on his plate. I would BE home so I could workout once or twice rather than trying to squeeze in a walk when I would rather be cat napping at lunch.

I just need to find a better balance and I'm not sure how. I'm not happy. This isn't a rat race I can keep maintaining. It's only going to get worse as the kids homework gets more involved and their activities take up more and more time. When you're working 8 1/2 hours a day,  commuting between an hour or more each way a day, and trying to fit everything else in, it's not maintainable.

I'm praying, Lord KNOWS I'm beating down his heavenly door with prayers, but I still don't know. Still I'm unsure. Still I'm lost and slowly gaining more and more weight.