Tuesday, April 8, 2014

We really can't be friends if...

Over the last 31 years I've started to learn a few things about myself. I'm still a relatively insecure child at heart. I care passionately for my family and friends. I LOVE to sleep and be lazy. I'm not ashamed to eat spaghetti for breakfast, all to name a few.

One of the other things I've started to learn is what it takes to make a good friend to me. I put in that "to me" part because obviously the things I value are not valued by all... just my friends! So in case you were hoping you made the list (or hoping to point out why I should give up on our friendship) below will tell you if you should give me a call

1. You have to respect the fact that I'm VERY opinionated and it wouldn't hurt if you were too! 
      I'm a bible beating conservative if you want to put a title on it. I believe in saying "Yes Mame", praying before our meals, having my own gun, and WORKING for what I have. If you don't agree with me or at least respect my opinion, please don't call.

2. You  have to have a job
     Whether that's in the office or in the home with your children, you must have a job. Or trying to find one. NOT "trying" to find the perfect one for so long that you're on welfare now, I don't support that and I don't want to support you with my tax dollars. Get off your butt and get to Walmart and get a job until the dream comes true for you.

3. You have to have a sense of humor
     Do you know what the word sarcastic means? If not please stop reading and DO NOT call.

4. You have to like wine, or beer, or cocktails... or SOMETHING. 
     Okay I'm just going to put it out there, Jesus turned water into Wine... There I said it... glad we talked about that. No seriously our BBQ's are going to feel REALLY weird if you NEVER have ONE drink with me. I get if you're on a diet, pregnant, nursing, whatever, but come on... NEVER have ONE... unless it's medical, don't call. We can chat, but are we REALLY going to be close?

5. You  have to be okay with me praying and talking about God
    You like how this one is right after the wine don't you? So I'm not perfect, never have been and never will be. I put this here (after the wine) to make that point. But I love God and Jesus something fierce and I like to speak about what he's done and is doing in my life. If that makes you uncomfortable, I'll pray for you. You don't have to agree with me, just be okay with it.

6. I discipline my children, in front of people.
    I'm sorry you don't ever feel the need to tell your child No and I'm sorry that you don't want to embarrass your child by putting them in the corner in public. But if MY child does something that is not acceptable they will have a consequence and that will cause crying and you will have to listen to it. SO if that makes you uncomfortable when you call, stipulate No children because my kids are young and every other minute there's a timeout happening.

7. You have to be okay with cheap
    In case you didn't see the previous requirements where I'm talking about having children, I do and they along with their daycare and extracurricular activities suck the ever loving dollar out of my purse, so if you like to go to fancy dinners with your friends on the regular, think hitting up a concert, or Ballet is a normal outing for you, please don't call unless it's your birthday or mine. I don't have money for that. I would have to pay for a babysitter (because there's no timeouts at the Ballet), most likely buy suitable clothing (t-shirts and work clothes don't apply), and then still shell out money for food, drinks, entertainment... I don't have money for that... Just come over with a bottle of wine (see #4) and something to throw on the grill (see #8) and lets put our feet up and chat.

8. I eat meat
    More importantly I eat meat that my husband KILLED! OH YEA! I'm not saying that venison has to be your cup of tea, but don't try to convince me why killing Bambi is tragic or if you're a full out vegetarian, oh lord, I really don't know how I would approach that... I mean as long as you're okay with blood dripping down my chin, because everyone knows a good steak should be rare, then we can remain friends.

9. DO NOT EVER make someone else feel uncomfortable in my house
    I'm so over the neighborhood clicks, the high school drama that some adults never grow out of. Might as well  be on an episode of Mean Girls. At least in the South if we don't like you we're nice to your face. If I have to go out one more time and be ignored or watch someone else be ignored because you are too rude to at least be cordial while our children play together I swear I might get redneck up in here!

So see it's not hard to be my friend. You want me to be tolerant, I ask for the same in return~

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