Well little family you're growing right up aren't you? We've been growing and changing and having fun. Our little family had a fun trip to the O's game before school started so that was exciting for us!

YEA for first ball park hot dogs and game! 

This crazy little girl has now started kindergarten, (picture of THAT day coming soon)!. She's turning into the quite the amazing little lady. I can't get over how smart she is! 

This man as I'm sure you can tell is ALL trouble, ALL TROUBLE. And that smile you see below, yeah he gives that to you as soon as he's done something bad. But GOD i love him! He's my main man i'm telling ya! 

So when did I get to be the parent of a 3 and 5 year old? I mean crazy right?

BUT now i'm in an amazing place, I'm in a new job that literally rocks my socks off and makes me smile every time i think about it. My hubby is now going to be teaching sunday school with me (i mean not WITH me, he'll be in a class and i'm the head of big time and music) so how cool is that?!?! I feel like things are turning into an amazing happy place for us and i can't wait to see what this year brings!

Following God

Dear my two babies (who are possessed by demons but we're not talking about that in this post #threeyearoldsarecrazy),

So we take you to church, we pray at home, we try to learn how to be thankful, but are we teaching you to have a heart for and to follow God? Are we teaching you to pray over every decision and trust that God will reveal himself? I hope so but, I'm not so sure.

This past year has been a tough year for Mommy. My job wasn't what i hoped it would be and it was a DAILY struggle. It effected my life on all levels. My stress rose, my temper shortened, my depression heightened, to say it was hard on us is putting it mildly. In addition to all my personal struggles we moved houses (farther away) and y'all moved schools (farther away). So my commute got longer with NO wiggle room, goodbye working out!

This last year I let the feeling of despair overwhelm me. This was my struggle.

Luckily God had lead us to an amazing church and already had set up a great support system for us in our bible study. Mommy hit bottom and those ladies started praying. I had so many amazing people praying for me that I actually started to feel better just knowing I wasn't alone. My problems weren't solved, but I knew that I wasn't alone and then a really cool thing started to happen. I began to trust. I began to trust that God had a plan for me and that he would reveal it when it was time. This trust was tested every.day. Some days I failed and other days i kept trusting.

One day I received a call to interview for a job. They pulled my name off another job I had applied for. Figuring it can't hurt to interview i went. It's not any closer to home but we'll see. Babies I Kept praying and I kept asking everyone else to pray for me.

See here's the thing. My name was pulled out of another job to interview for this one, I was the only one called back for a second interview, AND whenever I tell anyone the job description (because it has nothing to do with my current job really) they say it sounds like it was created for me! The office has an amazing reputation and you can have 2 telework days a week. Oh and I can get my promotion without having to go back to school to get business credits! Now TELL ME this wasn't provided for me by God! TELL ME he didn't have his hands ALL OVER this one! I dare you!

Here's the thing to remember though littles, I don't know if this is my forever place. I don't know where God wants me eventually, but I know he does want in this new job until I figure it out. He has provided~ Maybe this is my forever career path, I don't know, but I do know now that prayer works! And I'll keep praying, I'll keep praying for guidance to make sure I'm following HIS path, not my own.

So pray babies! Pray about school, pray about friends, pray about jobs and spouses and children. PRAY and don't EVER stop!

That moment you meet with a nutritionist

Oh and then you meet with her again, after you were trying to avoid her... because you didn't follow her hard ass plan and have actually gained MORE weight. yea.

So I went to a nutritionist and she's all "eat lean protein" yada yada, easy peasy... Well if it were EASY I wouldn't be where I am now would I? I wouldn't be gaining more and more weight would I? SO easy to just make protein and eat it plain with veggies that are plain. YUM... SO easy. SUPER easy in the mornings to eat eggs while I pop out the yokes. YUM.

I Hate this! I HATE that creating a livable lifestyle is SO hard. I HATE that I have NO drive to do it even though I'm completely disgusted with how I am now. I know the tools, but I'm too tired and too full of excuses. I just need a break somewhere in my life and it's not coming.

Between by job, commute, trying to keep up at home, I just want some damn bread! I want to sit at home and eat my bowl of pasta with bread AND a glass of wine and NOT gain weight OKAY!?!?

But that's not going to happen, instead I'm reduced to tears because I can see it in her face "You aren't trying and YOU aren't ready". She's right I guess. But I don't see when I'm ever going to be ready, I just don't see an end in sight.

OH how I wish I could be a stay at home Mom. I would BE home to make food to make good choices. I would BE home to help my kids with their homework and put their clothes away, instead of living out of hampers. I would BE home to make sure my husband has everything he needs so there was less on his plate. I would BE home so I could workout once or twice rather than trying to squeeze in a walk when I would rather be cat napping at lunch.

I just need to find a better balance and I'm not sure how. I'm not happy. This isn't a rat race I can keep maintaining. It's only going to get worse as the kids homework gets more involved and their activities take up more and more time. When you're working 8 1/2 hours a day,  commuting between an hour or more each way a day, and trying to fit everything else in, it's not maintainable.

I'm praying, Lord KNOWS I'm beating down his heavenly door with prayers, but I still don't know. Still I'm unsure. Still I'm lost and slowly gaining more and more weight.

That moment you rejoin weight watchers, again...

I've done it, A LOT, many times... catch my drift. I've had luck following weight watchers one time and surprisingly it wasn't when I actually joined, it was when I ganked the plan from a friend who did. I just followed it on my own. Well I've taken the plunge, again, and joined online. I've downloaded the apps, again, and started to enter my food, again. I've gotten SO FAR deep into easy, quick, comfort food that I don't think our lives could be any more full of pasta, bread, and sweets. It's.not.possible. And not only is my waistline/wardrobe affected, but I think my kids behavior is. They are so caulked full of processed, sugar filled, snack food that not only are they eating poorly, but they are kind of jerks. I think it's the crap in their bodies.

So I'm doing this for me and my Disney trip in 45 days AND I'm doing this for kids and their well being. There are other options to eat besides jello, chocolate chip pancakes, and chexmix. The problem is real people. REAL!

So we're cracking down, we getting it fixed and I'm not telling anyone but you because I'm desperately afraid of failure.

Have you ever wondered how you got to where you are?

When I met my husband I was 125lbs dripping wet. When we got married I was 145lbs. When I had each of my kids I was 165. I'm now 185. How does this happen? How does one gain 60lbs in 12 years!?~ I know life happens, bodies change, blah blah blah. but HOW?!?!

Want to know how it happens? By giving up? I've given up. I've had great friends along the way that have tried to support me, motivate me, uplift me, but I am not motivated. I am lazy and tired. I don't want to put in the work. I want a magic pill or a magic to workout to take me back to my wedding weight (at least) without me putting forth any effort. Sound familiar? I've had approx. 435,211 "Monday's"... you know that day where "I'm starting over today"!

I hate it when I hear people say "do it for yourself", well to do it for myself I'll have to wake up at 4:45 in the morning, I would rather treat myself to more sleep! I don't know, maybe one day down the road I'll feel differently but I HATE working out. I hate getting ready for it, doing it, dealing with the sweat after it. I  hate having to prepare my food. I use to love cooking, but that was before I had 2 little invaders that are ALWAYS hungry and ALWAYS want what I'm not making. Oh and they WANT IT NOW! I don't have time to take as much time as I want to put together something amazing and healthy. If I want healthy I feel like it has to be chicken or salad every night. Yum. (bleh).

But now I FEEL like I'm at a cross roads. I FEEL like I'm passing this outlook onto my kids without meaning to. Oh you want a snack, go to the sugar filled snack cabinet and munch away, but still be hungry for dinner please. I try to limit the snacks but they are like me, needing instant gratification. How do you change that?

I'm so over starting over. I'm so over hating myself. But mostly, I'm so over rubbing off onto my kids. I don't know if this is me "starting over" or venting... but I just need to get my thoughts out before they consume me. I KNOW all the right choices to make. I KNOW how to workout, how to eat how to everything, but the thought of meal planning makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. The thought of getting up before 530 makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs. But I know I need to. I know my kids need to see me do it. I need to do it so I actually have energy FOR my kids.

Uh being a Mom and a human is hard...

Well it happened. I don't know how it happened (I mean OBVIOUSLY I do know HOW, I have a degree, not in math) and I don't think I like that it happened but, I have a five year old. She is going to leave me for the big wide scary wonderful world of Kindergarten next year, and never to talk to me again. 

Kinsley Grace

Five years old

VERY sassy and opinionated and argumentative. (Thank you God, yes I did want a daughter JUST LIKE ME *enter eye roll*)

Smart as a whip (didn't know whips were smart, but again, just like me haha), she can already read level 1 books and is starting to read level 2. She's Ah-mazing and blows my mind with how smart she is. Asks how to spell everything because she's always writing something~

She wanted a pirate party so I made a cake~ BAM!

Then we invited her friends and it turned into a toddler frat party with no where to move, next year we'll out source this to some place, *never in my home again*! She had a blast, Kinsley also (kind heart that she is) collected toys 4 tots at her birthday party. Some friends brought her a gift, some brought a toy for a poor child, some brought both. I really wish I had a picture of her donating the toys, instead this family picture from the party will have to do!

Kinsley isn't the only one growing up. My crazy little man is really becoming more and more of a handful, but luckily he still love his cuddles with me. And luckily only throws objects over the balcony and not himself yet. 

We've been having a lot of this in my house:

See what I mean?

But it's cool because I have my little cheerleader to balance things out! #lovebeingacheermom

It's winter time in Maryland, which means manual labor for the kiddos. Luckily Santa brought Parker something to help us with it! 

Honestly I've felt like a craptastic (yeah I just made that up) Mom and I know why now... it's the winter. My personality, body, mind, even spirit HATE the winter and the short days and seriously take a hiatus. So I'm sorry my little babies and Chris for who I become in the winter. I know I'm not a fun person to be around. BUT the days are getting longer! It's light out until almost 6!!! 

More than anything, when I reflect after all of my complaining, I need you babies to know that You Are Important! You ARE so special to me. You ARE amazing and loved. 

Keep growing but always need me, except for the potty, I'm totally okay if you can learn to wipe your own butts now~