Have you ever wondered how you got to where you are?

When I met my husband I was 125lbs dripping wet. When we got married I was 145lbs. When I had each of my kids I was 165. I'm now 185. How does this happen? How does one gain 60lbs in 12 years!?~ I know life happens, bodies change, blah blah blah. but HOW?!?!

Want to know how it happens? By giving up? I've given up. I've had great friends along the way that have tried to support me, motivate me, uplift me, but I am not motivated. I am lazy and tired. I don't want to put in the work. I want a magic pill or a magic to workout to take me back to my wedding weight (at least) without me putting forth any effort. Sound familiar? I've had approx. 435,211 "Monday's"... you know that day where "I'm starting over today"!

I hate it when I hear people say "do it for yourself", well to do it for myself I'll have to wake up at 4:45 in the morning, I would rather treat myself to more sleep! I don't know, maybe one day down the road I'll feel differently but I HATE working out. I hate getting ready for it, doing it, dealing with the sweat after it. I  hate having to prepare my food. I use to love cooking, but that was before I had 2 little invaders that are ALWAYS hungry and ALWAYS want what I'm not making. Oh and they WANT IT NOW! I don't have time to take as much time as I want to put together something amazing and healthy. If I want healthy I feel like it has to be chicken or salad every night. Yum. (bleh).

But now I FEEL like I'm at a cross roads. I FEEL like I'm passing this outlook onto my kids without meaning to. Oh you want a snack, go to the sugar filled snack cabinet and munch away, but still be hungry for dinner please. I try to limit the snacks but they are like me, needing instant gratification. How do you change that?

I'm so over starting over. I'm so over hating myself. But mostly, I'm so over rubbing off onto my kids. I don't know if this is me "starting over" or venting... but I just need to get my thoughts out before they consume me. I KNOW all the right choices to make. I KNOW how to workout, how to eat how to everything, but the thought of meal planning makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. The thought of getting up before 530 makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs. But I know I need to. I know my kids need to see me do it. I need to do it so I actually have energy FOR my kids.

Uh being a Mom and a human is hard...

Well it happened. I don't know how it happened (I mean OBVIOUSLY I do know HOW, I have a degree, not in math) and I don't think I like that it happened but, I have a five year old. She is going to leave me for the big wide scary wonderful world of Kindergarten next year, and never to talk to me again. 

Kinsley Grace

Five years old

VERY sassy and opinionated and argumentative. (Thank you God, yes I did want a daughter JUST LIKE ME *enter eye roll*)

Smart as a whip (didn't know whips were smart, but again, just like me haha), she can already read level 1 books and is starting to read level 2. She's Ah-mazing and blows my mind with how smart she is. Asks how to spell everything because she's always writing something~

She wanted a pirate party so I made a cake~ BAM!

Then we invited her friends and it turned into a toddler frat party with no where to move, next year we'll out source this to some place, *never in my home again*! She had a blast, Kinsley also (kind heart that she is) collected toys 4 tots at her birthday party. Some friends brought her a gift, some brought a toy for a poor child, some brought both. I really wish I had a picture of her donating the toys, instead this family picture from the party will have to do!

Kinsley isn't the only one growing up. My crazy little man is really becoming more and more of a handful, but luckily he still love his cuddles with me. And luckily only throws objects over the balcony and not himself yet. 

We've been having a lot of this in my house:

See what I mean?

But it's cool because I have my little cheerleader to balance things out! #lovebeingacheermom

It's winter time in Maryland, which means manual labor for the kiddos. Luckily Santa brought Parker something to help us with it! 

Honestly I've felt like a craptastic (yeah I just made that up) Mom and I know why now... it's the winter. My personality, body, mind, even spirit HATE the winter and the short days and seriously take a hiatus. So I'm sorry my little babies and Chris for who I become in the winter. I know I'm not a fun person to be around. BUT the days are getting longer! It's light out until almost 6!!! 

More than anything, when I reflect after all of my complaining, I need you babies to know that You Are Important! You ARE so special to me. You ARE amazing and loved. 

Keep growing but always need me, except for the potty, I'm totally okay if you can learn to wipe your own butts now~