Monday, June 4, 2012

Lets get some therapy...

So growing up I developed a laundry list of insecurities thanks to a less than stellar experience in middle and high school. But no matter how many times I was made fun of i could always lean on the fact that I was skinny and looked pretty. No matter how much I hated myself I liked my body.

Now I don 't even have that.
Enter photo... Most normal people would look at this photo and think, Wow she's at Nats park! What a pretty day. I think... OMG I look huge, my legs are embarrassingly large and why did i think that top looked cute?!?!

Is this a normal reaction? Perhaps, but is it healthy? No!

I used to not have to work for my body. I could eat what I wanted and not workout and stay a size 2.. now not so much (I know whoa is me!). Now I'm like every other woman and I can eat right and workout and I still look like the above. I get it, grow up Erin and put in the time like the rest of the world... but here's where my whining enters. I've lost the one thing I could fall back on when I'm feeling insecure so now i'm always insecure so I turn to food and then repeat the terrible cycle.

WHY do fat girls turn to food for comfort? I mean I know I turned to it when I was skinny but now I REALLY look to it... especially if I make it myself. I guess I think now if people are talking about my delicious food they aren't looking at my rolling waist.

I get the comments that I just had a baby, but honestly I looked like this pre-baby.

I'm just tired of hating myself. I'm tired of pretending that I have it all together when I'm really drowning in failure. The failure that I can't lose weight, that i can't keep my house picked up, that i can't stay up to date on laundry, that i never have any energy, that I'm not the wife that I want to be for my husband.

I want to like myself enough to actually fix what I don't like and not keep sabotaging myself.  Thanks for the vent!

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly how you feel and that's why I'm going to purchase this: I want to feel good about myself and my body but I also have to be realistic as to when I would actually be able to work out so I've been on a hunt for things to do at him.