That me... at work... needing a do-over. I want a do-over on my outfit choice for the day... I want a do -over in my hair for the day... I want a do-over in everything i put in my mouth today (cake, sub, pizza, candy bars, blah blah blah), I want a do-over in shopping over working out at lunch today. I want a do-over!
My I'M GOING TO START ON ME TODAY post turned out to be a load of shit. I did drink my smoothie all week so i think that's helping my energy a little, not a lot.
Here's what I HATE about pictures of me... My freaking head is so small and my boobs are so big that my back and shoulders are so big to support them and it all just looks weird. I mean how did this body happen? BLAH!
It doesn't help that i can't find a nursing bra that fits me and is comfortable to save my life, but hey only 5 more months of that right? I HATE my arms and if i were to turn sideways you would see that they are a wide as my body. I HATE my body, I HATE my teenage acne face, and what I hate even more is I'm scared I'll put these image issues onto my daughter.
I read blog after blog after blog of women who just got tired of looking and feeling like shit and they have fixed their shit... I on the other hand am right there with them but have no dedication. I'm so quick to cheat or give up or whatever. I need CONSTANT accountability by someone who will look at me when I tell them that my PawPaw died yesterday (he did) and say "I'm sorry for your loss now put down that comfort pizza and get your ass into the gym... him dying has NOTHING to do with you eating and treating your body like shit". Instead I'm surrounded by people who tell me they will work out with me tomorrow (it's always tomorrow), or we'll start weighting next month, blah blah.... and then I smack my acne ridden forehead and hate myself for needing to depend on others to make myself happy. But I don't know how to make myself happy because I'm not truly happy unless other are happy with me. I'm a pleaser.
I really don't want to hate myself anymore. I need a plan. I DO need support. I need someone to tell me what to do until I can do it myself. This is my cry for help.
Erin, you seriously look good. I would trade your boobs any day of the week! Don't be so hard on yourself. But the whole taking back what we ate today thing sounds like a good idea. :)
ReplyDeleteFinding the motivation is the hardest part about exercising. I don't know if this would help for you but my motivation has been control. I feel so out of control because so much of my day and how I feel depends on the girls that exercising for me has been a way of taking back control. I may not be able to control them or how our days look, but for at least 30 minutes a day while I exercise I have complete control over my body. My mind is my own and I feel like I am doing something completely for me. I just feel so everywhere almost all the time that I find myself needing that time where I can control how hard my body works. I don't even know if this makes any sense!
ReplyDeleteAlso, my girls have been a huge motivator. There are already enough crappy messages out there about how girls should look and I don't want them putting any pressure on themselves. I exercise daily so they can see that it's normal and fun. It's just something we do. I want healthy and fit to be a part of their lives before they even understand what it means. If we want our girls to feel comfortable in their bodies and to avoid things like eating disorders and low self-esteem it starts with us. We are their models and their protectors. Again, for me, it's all about creating something that is normal for them so that when peer pressure and other people's opinions kick in, they'll already be confident in themselves and how they look.