Friday, March 22, 2013

BOOM, enter Princess Erin

Shit's about to get real up in here with this fat girl. So I'm looking through Pintrest and I see a picture of Kate Middleton and I'm all like "Dangit Big Erin, You could look just like her if you weren't so fat (four inches taller, got a nose job, chemical peel, teeth whitened, and grew your hair out!) I mean JUST like her!"

So I did what any normal fat celebrity look alike would do and googled her diet. OBVIOUSLY i know she doesn't diet because Skinny Princess Kate doesn't need to right? Well SHE DID! And I'm SO going to jump on that bandwagon like a drag queen jumps on glitter! Because face it, I'm big and sparkly like a drag queen so it works!

It's called the Dukan Diet. Uh huh! It's how French people eat! And I mean since they are so good at everything else (winning wars... oh shit i just lost a reader didn't I?) I thought I would do it to... because lets face it, despite their teeth, the french look good!

But LOTS of people have used this diet, Kate Middleton, her Mom, J-Lo! OBVIOUSLY my people!

It's kind of like an Atkins diet but more realistic, better for you, and shorter, sort of... with a maintenance phase, so maybe it's longer... I majored in history (holla to the Frenchies) not math.

There are four phases to the diet.

Phase 1 - ATTACK

The Attack phase consists of pure protein and creates a kick-start to the diet. During this phase, you can eat 68 high-protein foods that produce immediate and noticeable weight loss. Basically you can eat lean meats (no fatty bacon, no skin on the chicken) and no fat dairy like Greek yogurt, etc. AND you get 1 1/2 tbsp of oat bran, which the author recommends making a pancake out of.

This phase last for 3-7 days depending on how much weight you need to lose. Big Erin needs to be on it for 5 days (at least)

Phase 2 - CRUISE

The Cruise phase adds 32 vegetables and will take you to your True Weight. You will gradually but steadily lose weight by alternating Pure Protein days and Protein + Vegetables days. The average length of this phase is based on a schedule of 3 days for each pound you want to lose.

So you've already lost like 7lb+ and you stay on cruise until you are at your goal weight. (could be YEARS before I get there)


During this time you are at your most vulnerable, as the body has a tendency to quickly regain lost pounds. The Consolidation Phase is designed to prevent the rebound effect by gradually returning previously forbidden foods and allowing for two “celebration" meals per week (You know i'm going to be licking the mayo off my plate that dropped from my burger). This phase follows a strict timeline – 5 days per every pound lost in Cruise Phase. So IF i lose 40 lbs, we'll pretend for easy math that I lost 30 of it in the cruise phase that means I'll be on this phase for like 5 months! HOLY....


This phase is the rest of your life! (okay so a lot longer than any other diet...)You have learned how to eat healthily in the previous phases and have developed a pattern to follow. In addition, to keep your new slim body, you must follow these three simple but non-negotiable rules:
  1. Consume 3 Tablespoons of oat bran per day.
  2. Choose to take the stairs whenever possible.
  3. Have a pure-protein Thursday, i.e. Attack Phase menu.

I know this is all another "fad" but I like how short phase 1 is. I can start it on Monday and be done and ready to eat veggies by Saturday! I just need to get my plan on. Planning is key with ANY good diet but it's critical for this one ~

And I'll leave you with what my life has become...

Parker at McDonald's (obviously good food choices are being made)... Crazy look provided by cheeseburgers and french fries.
K and I making Brownies (there were eggs in them!)
Her crazy eyes are because she's high on sugar!
Funny thing is that she had a bite of the brownie yesterday and then didn't want anymore... guess we should just make batter.
Story of my evening, Parker destroying my kitchen and then trying to get me to hold him while i attempt to make a healthy dinner and then give up. See above pic
Also I'm getting my pintrest on for a baby shower coming up. The other items are cuter so I'll take pics of those to share.
Have a great weekend and eat large!

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