My husband is in charge of our finances. He pays the bills and stresses over my spending. I keep our house stocked with food, supplies, and anything else i might find at Target (see the problem). See there are two things wrong with those sentences. 1. He pays bill and i spend 2. I go to Target (the death trap of all spending).
It has always been a very sore subject between us, my spending, especially at target. He complains that I'm spending too much money and i justify almost every dollar i DO spend. yea....
I've sat down before and been astonished about the sheer volume of what I've done, sure. I mean i don't go on shopping sprees to Couch or anything, but a couple of trips to Target a month, plus extra trips to the g-store for that special recipe i want to try, plus when i don't feel like cooking (even though we have a house full of food) and i order out, plus i found SUPER cute bows for Kinsley online to match the super cute dresses i found for a steal on e-bay.... are you seeing where I'm going??? So Chris finally REALLY hit a wall with me. He said, that's it, we're splitting the bills down the middle, etc. My jaw dropped and I stammered that he makes twice as much as me... to which he replied i spend twice as much as him... hmmm (well He actually said i spend everything and he spends nothing but that didn't sound quite as catchy). I didn't have an argument and i KNEW my spending was and has always been out of control so... I sat down and figured it out.
I made our budget (only necessities, no extras), spilt it down the middle and you know what? I don't even make enough to cover my half. yeah. Where HE makes enough to cover EVERYTHING. So basically i COULD technically be staying home with my daughter but i can't because i can't control my spending. It's no longer a matter of we need at least part of my paycheck to pay our bills, it's now Only.My.Fault. I am the reason that i can't be a stay at home Mom. I'm the reason that we can't fix up more of our townhouse. I'm the reason we can't plan a vacation. It's ALL.My.Fault.
That was and is a HUGE pill to swallow. How did I get here? I'll tell you how... when I'm sad, lonely, feeling fat, etc I spend. Is Chris going to be home late, again? Fine, I'll go to Target. Does it hurt to zip up those pants that fit last week? Fine, I'll go to Target. Are my friends busy this weekend? Fine, I'll go to Target. NOT.GOOD!
So now, I'm trying to step back and move forward with this knowledge. The knowledge that my husband has stayed with me despite the fact that I'm selfishly spending all of our money (and no he's not late getting home because of overtime... he's salary) and lying to myself about it.
Forget losing weight and keeping my house cleaner as a new years resolution. My resolution is to save what i have destroyed. I WILL stop spending and whatever additional money i make with selling Thirty-One I WILL put right back into my Family's pocket, not my own. My husband deserves better than this, he deserves better then what I've put him through. I can't change the past or fix what I've done... but i can change the future and let him know that I've finally heard him and am truly, deeply sorry.