As a Mom and a woman i think everyone, including ourselves takes us for granted. I posted before about when Kinsley was about six months old I went through a small break down. I'm still not sure if i would classify it as postpartum or mental/physical/emotional breakdown. But I crashed. Lately it's coming back. But i see it coming this time. I feel like i'm SCREAMING out for help, but maybe i'm not making any sense and just come out as bitchy. There are so many factors in my life that are constantly changing and growing, and i'm so happy for them, but it's a lot to handle sometimes. On top of the normal i "enjoy" adding the abnormal too, because I'm never happy unless i'm planning something and then i stress myself out about planning said something.
I have all of these friends who have crazy busy lives and "do it all" WITH a smile and so i try to keep up. I plan our days, even when we don't have a day to plan. We are "scheduled" almost every day for the rest of the year. YET i still want to put more on our plates. I have stepped back from a few things in my life to make some breathing room, but i don't know if it's enough.
How can you step back from the things that make you the craziest, yet give you the most joy?
Last night we had our playgroup over to our house. This meant that I had to make dinner (easy peasy, crock-pot pulled pork, no stress!), have my house (yes the house with the two dogs who insist on shedding EVERYWHERE) clean, my child semi happy, and myself home from work. I LOVE LOVE LOVE our play group. Just the thought of getting to hang out with theses awesome Moms and their kids makes me giddy to my toes. But here's ANOTHER ball for me to juggle.
So the night before while i'm trying to keep my daughter happy (we're going through a clingy Mommy phase), spend time with her since I've been at work all day, pick up the house, make dinner, blah blah blah... I've also got two dogs that have been alone all day (well they had each other but still) and just want some Mommy loving too. So I have a fussy baby, fussy dogs, a dirty house, no dinner, and all of my own issues on top of it all. I about lost my marbles. This all sounds so easy to most... but when you're in a cloud of depression you just feel trapped and want to scream for help. I tried to talk to the Hubs, but he was stressed from his own soap opera of a life. And last night, it all hit me like a bucket of ice water.
I got off work early to get home and clean up. But no matter how much i cleaned, there was still dog hair! Then the group comes over and the dogs keep barking and getting in everyone's faces to say "Hello". The babies are fussy because, well hello, the dogs are much bigger then them. Then the babies are eating goldfish, which they drop on the floor, which still (despite my best efforts) has DOG HAIR ON IT. Right there i felt my blood pressure rising.
So i put the dogs behind the gate on the stairs so at least i don't have to keep corralling them away from the kids. Then everyone is in my kitchen while i layout dinner and it's like a neon sign screaming at me that i didn't get around to mopping my floor in the last MONTH! UH! I mean i've swiffered wetjetted but that is NO match for my dog's paws and drool.
Honestly I wanted to sit down right there and just cry, because not only was I subjecting their children to this, MY child crawls through it every day! My friends were great telling me my house was clean, smelled great, and is nothing like I was picturing in my head. But the evidence is ALL there, in the hair!
So last night I laid down, with my heart beating out of my chest because i was so full of anxiety that i couldn't properly communicate to the Hubs. I tried my relaxation techniques, i tried thinking happy thoughts, I tried NOT thinking. Eventually I drifted off, after a few tears and prayers.
I don't know what the answer is to all this... other then if you're a Mom, who does it all/most of it. I.understand. I'm there with you, hugging you, telling you it's okay and that you can do it. I'm there thanking you for loving your family so much (even if you don't always show it the way you want to). I'm here cheering for you and telling you to thank yourself for being an awesome Mom. AND i'm here telling you that NO ONE is perfect, despite what it looks like on the outside from your eyes, NO ONE is perfect.
Hugs to YOU!
And on another, happier (sort of, since it means she's growing up) note. Kinsley walks... yes last night she did it again.
but she still prefers cruising for now... so here she is cruising around the coffee table, and i'm getting pictures of the only thing she'll let me photograph, her rear... since she's always on the move! lol
and here's a little preview of her Halloween costume. This is from Alibye Design on etsy. I just love it and can't wait to see it on Kinsley next month!