You know that whole thought process of many women today that they can "Have it all" or rather "Do it all". Well i'm here to tell you that is a load of crap and if i ever meet the woman who started that thought process that is being pounded into our brains daily i will personally shove all my "All" up her... okay you get the idea.
Every day is a struggle. It's a happy struggle at times when i get to see my sweet baby girl. When i look down from cooking/burning dinner to see her happy little face talking to her frog toy. It's happy when through my puffy, sleep filled eyes that are being propped open with toothpicks I see her smiling and chewing on her tiny little toes. It's happy when I watch my great big hunk of a husband get home early and gab with Kinsley while he gives her a bath and she covers him in water. Those are the happy struggles that make all the hard ones worth it.
The hard struggles? Trying to concentrate at work when i know there's a million and one things that need to get done at home. Trying to find time to workout when I haven't seen or had a decent conversation with Chris in over a week. Trying to not want to ship my dogs off to the nearest foster home because i'm overwhelmed with needed to clean up after them and feeling guilty every time i look at their eyes that say "you don't pay attention to me anymore". Trying to find time to clean my house so that my husband and daughter don't get sick with allergies and so i'm not mortified if someone were to "pop" over.
I feel like i'm up to my ears in to-do list. I try to plan out my day and that gets tossed to the wind. I try to be super productive on weekends but then Chris works or we have to go out of town. I try to figure out a way for me to stay home full time but realize that we won't make our basic bills if I do that. I'm tired of of always asking for help from my mother-in-law who is the queen of "Do it All". She has energy from i don't know where, she can sleep for 5 hours a night and keep going and helping and doing... WITH a smile! She LOVES to help, LIVES to help but i feel like a HUGE GIANT failure when i have to keep asking for that help. And even when i finally hit bottom and do ask i still get behind again. I need a system, or maybe just motivation?
Remember Austin Powers and his Mojo? Well i have none (not just the sexual kind, even though that's depressing too). I dont' have any energy to paint my toes at the end of the day much less try to feel sexy for my amazing cowboy husband. I snap at him for the silliest things. It's like i want to fight because it seems easier and seems to take less energy to be mad then to try to put on my happy face and be productive.
My days start at 430, i get home by 530pm, and need to be in bed no later then 930. And people 4 hours is NOT a lot of time when you throw in making dinner, bottles, breast feeding, bath time, bedtime, and dogs. Not to mention you want some play time with this little human you made and want to stay bonded with.
I just want to stop feeling like a failure. I want to stop looking for those quick fixes of happiness (hello online shopping!). I want to be it all and do it all. Mostly i just want to be.... Happy.